The Surprising Effects Birth Control Might Have on Your Relationship (You Want the Good News or the Bad News First?)

You may take birth control to purposely affect your relationship--specifically to keep your relationship baby free, for now at least. But the pill may be affecting your relationship in ways you never anticipated...

According to a survey of 2,500 women in various countries, women who used birth control when they met their significant other were less attracted to their partner and less sexually satisfied. Yikes! That's especially disappointing because it seems like a lot of women choose to be on hormonal birth control in monogamous relationships so that sex can be more enjoyable without condoms.

However, it wasn’t all bad news for relationships. Pill users reported being happier with non-sexual aspects of their relationship and were actually less likely to break up. Previous lab research has shown that women who use birth control aren’t as attracted to “masculine” men with higher testosterone levels. Researchers hypothesize that this could account for the increased relationship stability among women who use the pill--men with lower testosterone tend to be more faithful.

Because of these findings on the effects of birth control on relationships, the psychologist who headed the study even suggests that women who were on birth control at the time they met their guy might want to consider going off the pill for a few months before getting married to test whether their feelings remain the same. Whoa! That seems pretty extreme. You should probably talk to both your doctor and your boyfriend before making that call.

Sheesh, less sexual satisfaction and possibly fake feelings for your man? Oh, and let's not forget these possible effects of using birth control: getting fired and being called a slut. It has been a rough time in birth control news lately. Feel free to chime in with reminders of all the great effects birth control has for women too.

Would You Tattle on a Cheater If Your Friend Was the One Cheating?

In recent years, I've determined that there are times when it's appropriate to stick my nose into someone else's relationship and times to keep mum. Knowing when to do it is the difficult part. So say, for argument's sake, I had a really good friend who was cheating on his serious girlfriend. Do I say something or not? (P.S. I need your help).

Here's the situation:

I have a friend who has been with his girlfriend for two years. He's always going on about how he's going to marry her someday and blah, blah, blah. The "blah, blah, blah" is because while he's gushing about her being the best thing ever, he's also been cheating on her. It's never with the same girl, and sometimes it's only hardcore flirting, but the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable.

The thing is, I'm not close to his girlfriend at all. My allegiances are with him, and his friendship is important to me. Is it worth sitting him down and telling him how uncomfortable I am or that I'm considering telling her? If I do, I assume he'll tell me he's not cheating anymore and then make sure I never find out in the future. Or do I go behind his back and tell his girl? That seems deceitful, and I don't think I could live with myself. I guess I could also just let the relationship play out, but then I feel like I'm in on it and guilty by association.

What do you guys think? You all had such amazing advice about prenups (just last night my best friend Madhu said how impressed she was with your comments), I was hoping to turn the tables this time and be the one to ask for advice.

6 Ways to Get Excited About Dating Again After a Breakup

We’ve talked a lot about the past this week on Smitten: breaking ties with our exes and getting closure. Talking about making progress is the same thing as actually making progress, right? Great. Now let’s talk about facing our dating future.

Now that I’m past the breakup misery stage, and I’ve had lots of time to myself, I’ve been struggling with how to psych myself up for getting back in the dating game for real, not just aimlessly lurking on Match.com or spending weekends with sexy foreigners I'll probably never see again. I finally moved out of my hometown (and my parents' house, which let’s be honest, was a real ladyboner-killer for dating) and I’m getting my professional life a little more in order, so I’ve been thinking that it’s time to start thinking about getting my love life back in order as well.

But ugh, you guys! Dating, am I right? It’s expensive and exhausting, and when it’s not going well, it’s so disheartening. Not to mention that after my nasty breakup, I've got a big old chip on my shoulder about how it might all end that makes me not want to even bother sometimes. However, I don't want to be single forever. It can be great, of course, and I don't mind enjoying the single life, but I do aspire to be part of a twosome at some point in my future. That means I've got to start dating sometime.

Here are some of things I do to try to psych myself back up and keep my enthusiasm at an appropriate level:

Break out of patterns. Just changing up my routine, like going to a different coffee shop to work, gets me all excited about trying new things. And dating/new relationships are all about the new and different.

Do some shallow self-confidence boosting. Little things like a cute haircut or a great new lipstick make me feel sexy and ready to go out and meet men.

Do some serious self-confidence boosting. Spending time with my family, the people who love me most in the world, and making a career change have both been game-changers in my self-confidence. Feeling truly good about myself, not just like I look nice, is essential for me before putting myself out there for dating.

Go out and have fun...but limit the drinking. Obviously, nothing really gets a girl back into going out like actually going out. It's fun, remember? I am working on toning it down a bit though, because that fourth glass of red that I really didn't need can be all the difference between an upbeat, cheerful night and a session of sobbing in bed that no one will ever love me again.

Keep expectations low. It helps to think of a night out or a first date as exactly what it is: just a few hours of time, not necessarily a life changing event. Plus even if it's a disaster, I may get good blogging material out of it. That may not be a universal inspiration.

But not too low. Sometimes when I'm eager to get the dating ball rolling, I'm tempted to say yes to the first guy who comes along just to get back in the game, even if I'm not super into it. That never ends well. I can't be so anxious to be dating that I sacrifice chemistry and connection. It keeps my spirits up if I remember that I'm fine with being single until the right guy comes along.

Spend time with happy (but not annoying) couples. Hanging out with couples that I love together reminds me that successful relationships are possible and totally worth the occasional trauma of dating.

So those are the things that are working for me. Kind of. I'm still pretty hesitant but it's getting better every day. I'd love to hear your tips and advice!

Dubliners Take Home "Ireland's Most Unromantic Man" Awards

Despite what P.S. I Love You might have you believe, men in the Irish capital seem to be lacking in the romance department. (Yes, I have referenced that movie twice this week.)

Does the charming accent make them worth it? You decide.

The search is on overseas for Ireland's Most Unromantic Man, the winner of which will receive a free romantic trip with his lady, and Dubliners are seriously dominating the shortlist over at the contest's website. It's not hard to see why: here are some of the doozies, as reported in Irish paper The Herald.

    Valentine's Day escapades: One local guy bought his girlfriend gym equipment as a gift to help with her "fat belly." (She says: "I just wanted to kill him. But actually after that I lost five kilos and feel much better now.")

    Yet another printed off a Tesco (like our ShopRite) Value range Valentine's card after she took him out for a romantic meal. And another one went to a club on February 14th and left her alone with their two kids.

    Another Dubliner was driving his wife, who had a broken ankle, to the hospital when he realized he'd forgotten his phone--so he left her at a bus stop.

    And finally, one woman's 13-year partner's idea of a romantic gift is a bag of chips, a beer and a night boat to England--during which he sleeps in a cabin bed and she sleeps on a hard chair.

On the bright side, this makes our run of the mill ol' U.S.A. guys look like total Casanovas, doesn't it? Or, uh, most of them. (Also, we'd still love to get lucky with these sexy Irish celebs.

7 Good Reasons to Date a Short Guy

Don’t blow a guy off just because he’s a shorty.

1. “Handsome” doesn’t have a height requirement. Seriously, a good face and hot body looks just as good at 5’7” as it does at 6’3”.

2. Maybe you’re not a supermodel, but you’ll certainly get to feel like one when you go out with him in heels.

3. A short guy willing to go out with a girl who’s taller than he is is confident and probably ok with his girlfriend upstaging him. He’s not too hung up on appearance or machismo. This is a good quality to have in a boyfriend.

4. Uhm, you say Napoleon Complex like it’s a bad thing? Guys with Napoleon complexes are ambitious, capable and driven: they also have learned how to command respect through means other than appearance, all admirable traits. And as for Napoleon himself, well, you know he was sexy as hell, right?

5. And speaking of overcompensating: this is by no means scientific, but the general consensus from women seems to be that guys who don’t necessarily feel the most attractive will often work much harder in bed, whereas the Don Drapers of the world, who are used to being wanted and pursued by women, focus more on the act of receiving pleasure than giving it.

6. Being willing to date a shorter gentleman widely opens up your dating pool. Putting height requirements on your list of potential romantic partners simply means fewer potential bachelors.

7. The best reason to date a short guy is because you’re not a shallow, regressive woman who associates sexual and emotional compatibility with whether or not the guy is a few inches taller, and because you don’t equate your own femininity and sexuality with the notion of being shorter, weaker, than your protective mate. It’s 2012! You have higher (but not taller!) standards now.

Date the guy who makes you laugh, who likes the same stuff you do, who will be there for you, whether or not you have to bend down a little to kiss him. Once you fall in love, you’re not going to care.

Pros and Cons of a Rebound Relationship (AKA What a Dating Blogger Thinks of During Basketball Season) In honor of March Madness, let’s talk about rebounds. Because that’s a basketball thing, right? Whatever, basketball's not really my cup of tea (although Ohio State is, so let's all root for the Buckeyes this weekend, mmmkay?)

In honor of March Madness, let’s talk about rebounds. Because that’s a basketball thing, right? Whatever, basketball's not really my cup of tea (although Ohio State is, so let's all root for the Buckeyes this weekend, mmmkay?)

Yesterday we talked a little about dating after a breakup, and a few commenters wisely stressed the importance of a dating detox. I agree that giving yourself a break can be therapeutic in the healing process, but taking the other approach and rebounding into a new relationship can't be all bad, right? I mean, my girl-crush Katy Perry seems like she's having fun with that hot model guy she's supposedly dating.

Let's consider some of the advantages and disadvantages of the rebound relationship:

Pro: You aren’t sitting at home moping, which is boring. Related: This also means you aren't numbing your pain with an endless supply of French bread pizzas. No breakup weight gain here!

Con: You’re avoiding dealing with your sadness, and all that repression might lead to a breakdown of epic proportions later, similar to this concept:

Con: Jumping into a relationship too quickly can end up making you feel worse later when you might realize you barely even like the guy, you were just blinded by the sex and/or not wanting to be alone.

Pro: Suck it ex-boyfriend! Your new guy is hotter and smarter and totally better in bed (or at least that's what you're telling all your mutual friends).

Con: You're possibly just dating a guy who reminds you of your ex. What you really need to be doing is breaking your cycle of making the same mistakes all over again.

Do You Know the Difference Between Lady-Part Lube vs. Moisturizer?

In addition to helping us with anorgasmic pals, Dr. Susan Kellogg, Director of Sexual Medicine at The Pelvic and Sexual Health Institute of Philadelphia, recently informed us that we all need to water our flowers... or whatever euphemism makes you comfortable.

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty disciplined about moisturizing. Come rain, come shine, whether I'm dead-tired, hungover, or possibly dying of Bat-Pig Disease, I will make sure that my face is moisturized twice a day. And with this new info, it appears I'll be adding more to my regimen.

Smitten:
Dude, I did not even know there was a moisturizer for the down there, are you serious?

Dr. Kellogg:
Yup. So, many women are aware of the properties of lube, basically: it can be applied to your partner's penis if you're in a heterosexual relationship, or to the opening of your vagina, or to a vibrator, or anything, really. But it's only for the surface of your skin, and it needs to be reapplied.

Moisturizers, on the other hand, aren't just for surface use; they actually deposit the moisture in your skin and the lining of your vagina. And you don't have to reapply mid-penetration--the effects of the moisturizer actually last up to 3 days. It also is a preventative measure for the kind of chronic vaginal dryness that can lead to an extremely painful condition like vulvodynia.

Women have a tendency to think of these products as a last-ditch resort to avoid pain, and we blame ourselves because we "shouldn't need" to enhance vaginal wetness when you're with a partner. But really, they should be thinking about enhancing their comfort and pleasure and making it an even more positive experience.

Now There's an Online Dating Site for Doomsday Preppers? Would You Join a Niche Dating Site?

When canning venison and whittling an arrow are skills you’re looking for in a man, it can make dating exponentially harder than it already is. But now there’s SurvivalistSingles.com, an online dating site for those who are prepping for “Doomsday.” Its slogan? “Don’t face the future alone.”

While members differ on what will bring about "TEOTWAWKI" (The end of the world as we know it), the objective is similar: finding someone who won’t look at you cockeyed when you trade in your car for milking cows.

According to this CNN article, one member says, "It's hard to connect with someone who doesn't have a similar mindset. You can't explain why your truck is packed like you're always ready for an expedition--they don't get it," he said. "But when you meet another survivalist, you start talking about all this stuff and the women look at you like you have a million dollars in the bank."

OK, so I might have had six or so months where the “end of the world” took up some valuable brain space. I did (and still do) worry about peak oil, food shortages and overpopulation, but I don’t have a bunker (or even an extra set of AA batteries for my vibrator) so it’s safe to say I will never be fit to find love on Survivalist Singles.

Still, what they say is true, there really is a lid for every pot—er, arrow for every bow.

Ask a Guy: How Much "Sex Instruction" From a Lady is Off-Putting?

In the name of research, I asked five guys how much of the old mid-coital "a little lower... no, higher... OK, now sing Trey Songz to it..." instructional dialogue was too much.

Boy 1:
I don't find it off-putting at all, so long as there's an open dialogue between us in the bedroom. Want me to lick you in a certain way? No problem. I'm here to make you happy. But don't be insulted if I ask you to make an adjustment with me. Just because the cliché says that girls are complicated and guys are simple doesn't mean you should be insulted at the first hint of direction from me. But if it's an open, two-way street, then all is fair.

Boy 2:
Like "lessons" or like "bang me this way"? I think instructions on what to do are necessary and welcome. People have their preferences. I guess when you break out the diagrams, that's too much, but reciprocity and openness are generally good things. Instruction is welcome, but when it's a presentation, that's annoying.

Boy 3:
I like it if there are more Dos than Don'ts.

Boy 4:
It's a delicate psychological dance whenever you're dealing with a guy's sex abilities. But you basically want to avoid saying "don't do that" obviously, and instead frame everything in positive terms, terms of how good x or y will make you feel, because although some guys' egos are easily bruised, that's nothing compared to how wildly, monstrously, dictatorially inflated their egos get when they make you come. Which is why the idea that men are stereotypically selfish in bed strikes me as weird, because most of us (I think) are only selfish in the sense that we want to feel like King D**k when we get you off.

Oh, and really quickly, the other thing that's good about instruction? If a girl is telling you what gets her off it means SHE KNOWS WHAT GETS HER OFF, which is a godsend. She's thought about this. She's comfortable with it. She knows her way around her own body. Being with a girl who has clearly never masturbated and/or can't talk coherently about what feels good/what doesn't makes you feel like you're lost at sea.

Boy 5:
Hmm. Constantly talking doesn't help. Like, if you're trying to do something, and they say, you know... "Go to the left, or right or back up..." That's fine, but if it's like readjusting a level on a wall, you don't want to have anything to do with it because then your head starts to wander, and you wonder if you're not "doing it right," or doing it well.

Me: Wait. What do you mean? Like literally if you're up against a wall?

No, I meant how when you measure something, and you need it to be level, and you're doing constant adjustment

Me: Oh. Haha.

Yeah. Like, we're having sex, not hanging a painting.

Is "No Kids Ever" a Relationship Deal Breaker?

My guy friend A. is madly in love with a woman who has clearly stated that she doesn't want kids. Not ever. He's always pictured himself as a dad, but for whatever reason, she has decided that parenthood is not for her. This wasn't always the case. She was never dead set on being a mom, but she wasn't ruling it out. Now it's not even up for discussion.


I know that for many women, this relationship issue can be the ultimate deal breaker. I've been dreaming about being a mom all my life (although as I get older, I can see why certain people might not). Still, part of me feels sad that A. would give up having children for a woman, though it's not for me to say. Also, I wonder if and how it's different for men. Apparently it's not a deal breaker for this one guy. He said he'd rather spend his life with her than procreate and that he's happy to be the "cool uncle" to other people's kids. I'm not certain if he truly feels this way or if he's trying to convince himself otherwise, but I'm happy to support his decision to stay with her. I just hope he doesn't regret it.


What would you do if you were A.? Would it be a deal breaker for you if the guy you were dating didn't want kids? What about if he first said he wasn't sure and then told you he was against it?

Birth Control is Wreaking Havoc on my Sex Life

We happen to know there's one really confused guy out there who thinks women use birth control in their ongoing efforts to be 'sluts', but the truth is many women use birth control to keep their sex lives healthy and active. Here's the thing: I've been on one type or another for over six years at this point, and I've found that sometimes, birth control (or rather, the side effects of some forms of birth control) can negatively affect a relationship. So what's a responsible, sexually active woman to do?
Mood swings, weight gain, decreased sex drive and health warnings: the possible side effects that come along with some types of birth control can take a toll on you and your partner. Some women on hormonal birth control (especially those on the pill) even feel the effects of female sexual dysfunction, which could mean low libido, difficulty with orgasm and vaginal dryness.

But the negative effects don’t stop there. A recent study Gena wrote about last week even found that “participants who used hormonal contraceptives were less attracted to their partners when they first met, and less sexually satisfied during their relationship than were individuals who did not use hormonal birth control.” In Gena’s words: Yikes!

I’ve been on three different types of birth control (after condoms) in my two-and-a-half year relationship with J and am questioning a switch because of the side effects I’ve noticed (which caused the prior BC switches). Mood swings and a lower sex drive have been the two side effects coming back to haunt me with each new pill I try. And, if we’re being honest, there was that entire month of spotting. I was on birth control so I could have sex with my boyfriend, but the pill I was on caused me to spot, which prevented me from having sex. Give me a break! (Oh, and as a Smitten blogger, I kind of HAVE to be having sex, you guys!) Now I’m on NuvaRing. So it’s not actually a pill, but J and I have had some issues with it. I can’t feel it inside me at all, but J certainly can. According to him, sometimes it feels good and adds the perfect amount of friction. But, sometimes, well, there's a little TOO much friction and does not feel so good to Little J.

Sure, there’s that whole avoiding unwanted pregnancy thing but, personally, I don’t know how long I can stand taking birth control that makes me feel less, well, like ME.

And J has noticed, too. “Some of the birth control you were on in the beginning of our relationship made you a complete cranky, crazy person. And there was always a shortage of chocolate (ha). But I know that it screws with your body, so I always dismissed it. And luckily you've had the wisdom to know that it was messing with you and would always apologize. Of course, if nothing works I would concede and wrap it up… but it wouldn't be my preferred option.”

One of my girlfriends experienced similar mood swings on her birth control: "The moods. The moods were NOT good. I was taking things out on the people I loved. I'm on a new pill now and have been for about a year and I'm happy. While I think birth control in general does alter my mood and make me someone I'm not incredibly happy to be, it has its positives AND negatives on a relationship. Obviously the negative would be that it does alter my mood, the positive would be that I am a totally anxious freak of nature and it is nice to have that piece of mind that I will not be on the next episode of Teen Mom (even though I'm 24...awkward)."

It’s not just us, though. Another girlfriend, Amanda, completely stopped taking the pill she was on because she was feeling so miserable. “I felt severely depressed around my periods and rarely ever had any highs. I wasn't my fun-loving, outgoing self—usually off the wall, always high energy and happy. People talk about how crazy hormones are. Throw some birth control into the mix to mess with them and who knows what will happen.” After a long talk with her boyfriend, they decided she would stop taking the pill and he would start buying condoms again. She felt better (normal again!) almost instantly.

The condom route worked for them, but let’s be honest, a lot of guys want to avoid going back to rubbers when they’re in a committed relationship. My friend, Pat, gave me his honest opinion (and I think A LOT of guys would agree with him):

“The idea of going back to using condoms is so uncontrollably frightening, I shutter at the idea of a girlfriend coming off the pill indefinitely. I'm so against using condoms that I'll turn an otherwise casual relationship into a monogamous, committed thing (if even only for three dates) JUST so that I don't have to wrap it up. And a girlfriend gaining a couple extra pounds is becoming more and more enticing to me as I get older, so that's a plus. All that being said, my first priority as a boyfriend (especially with the ones I've cared about) is the well being of my partner, and so it's about her first. In a perfect world, we've tried and tried to find the right pill for her. Not something that's tolerable, but something that's right for her. Knock on wood, every girlfriend I've had has EVENTUALLY found the right pill.”

It’s a trial and error thing for many couples. I mean, condoms are a last resort for J and me, so back to the doctor I go on my search for the right birth control (hormone-free, perhaps). Maybe I should start looking for Magic Pill #4 so J can say sayonara to crazypants girlfriend and I can just feel like myself again.

Does your birth control negatively affect your relationship? How have you and your boyfriend handled it? Would he go back to using condoms for the sake of your relationship - or are you on the ongoing search for the perfect pill?



Read More http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/04/is-your-birth-control-negative.html#ixzz1rLkWR7ok