And the Cities That Value Sex the Most (and Least) Are...Did Your City Make the List?

L.A. and NYC have a bit of a long-standing rivalry, which honestly I don’t understand because they're both awesome in different ways. Like avocados and pork buns—how can you expect us to choose? But in terms of which cities with the highest concentration of singles who think sex is vital to a relationship? The winner is clear…

Chemistry.com conducted a survey of 10 million people and discovered that certain geographical locations valued sex over others. Who woulda thunk it's as simple as where you live? And why am I not surprised that the home of scantily-clad beach babes topped the list? Check out the rankings below.

Dr. Helen Fisher, Chemistry.com's chief scientific adviser, divulged her reasoning for the rankings (and it's not as simple as rollerblades and bikini tops!). Because the question was part of a larger test, she was able to further break down the statistics like this:

“When it comes to cities that value sex the least, Builders dominate in these cities and are likely to be more expressive of the serotonin system in the brain. Elevated serotonin can dramatically reduce one’s sex drive and sexual response. This is why serotonin-boosting anti-depressants (like Paxil and Zoloft) regularly jeopardize, even kill, sexual interest. These drugs flood the brain with serotonin.

On the other hand, I am not surprised that Explorers top the list. Explorers are likely to be more expressive of the dopamine system of the brain. And dopamine triggers the production of testosterone-the hormone of sexual desire in both men and women. . Explorers also like novelty, excitement and the pleasures of the senses. So for them, sex has it all.

Lastly, Negotiators came in second on the list of members who value sex the most in relationships. Negotiators believe romance is essential to a partnership. So these men and women devote real time to cultivating romance-bringing home thoughtful gifts to their mate, leaving love notes when heading out of town, making special phone calls to keep in touch, or orchestrating a surprise weekend get- away. They keep the intimacy alive with imaginative daily acts and sex is part of this.”

So much for everything I learned from Sex and the City. Good thing Hoboken, N.J. is just a short train ride away...

A Comprehensive, Semi-Serious Menu of Comfort Foods for Different Kinds of Breakups

Ben & Jerry's, though a classic, isn't appropriate for every single bad-breakup occasion.

Having a relationship issue? Here's what you should eat during these tough dating times--because, as you guys are aware by now, I am an anthropologist who knows everything.

Being cheated on: Five Oreos.
Being cheated on again: Pack of Double-Stuf Oreos.
Being cheated on at a yoga retreat in the Catskills: Vegan Oreos!
Breaking up because you're headed for different colleges: Pizza.
Breaking up because you're headed for different high schools: Lunchable's Pizza.
End of ambiguous non-relationship:Salad with fried chicken and fried eggs in it. (This one is good!) Supplement with macaroons.
End of long-term relationship: White wine, salads, Greek yogurt, air.
End of long-term relationship because he's marrying a 25-year-old clothing store buyer: Cosmos, AM I RIGHT, LADIES? And This, if you can find it.
Post-third date vanish: Quesadilla, one jalapeno margarita.
Post-fifth date vanish: Burrito, three jalapeno margaritas.
Annulment: Quervo Gold, even though that's what got you in this mess in the first place, right?
Left at the altar: Go ahead and have that Ben & Jerry's now.
Boring marriage: Every recipe from the Barefoot Contessa-- you have that much time on your hands. Also, if this is an episode of Desperate Housewives, your strapping young landscaper.
Divorce: Your feelings.
Death: I made you a casserole.

Dubliners Take Home "Ireland's Most Unromantic Man" Awards

Despite what P.S. I Love You might have you believe, men in the Irish capital seem to be lacking in the romance department. (Yes, I have referenced that movie twice this week.)

Does the charming accent make them worth it? You decide.

The search is on overseas for Ireland's Most Unromantic Man, the winner of which will receive a free romantic trip with his lady, and Dubliners are seriously dominating the shortlist over at the contest's website. It's not hard to see why: here are some of the doozies, as reported in Irish paper The Herald.

    Valentine's Day escapades: One local guy bought his girlfriend gym equipment as a gift to help with her "fat belly." (She says: "I just wanted to kill him. But actually after that I lost five kilos and feel much better now.")

    Yet another printed off a Tesco (like our ShopRite) Value range Valentine's card after she took him out for a romantic meal. And another one went to a club on February 14th and left her alone with their two kids.

    Another Dubliner was driving his wife, who had a broken ankle, to the hospital when he realized he'd forgotten his phone--so he left her at a bus stop.

    And finally, one woman's 13-year partner's idea of a romantic gift is a bag of chips, a beer and a night boat to England--during which he sleeps in a cabin bed and she sleeps on a hard chair.

On the bright side, this makes our run of the mill ol' U.S.A. guys look like total Casanovas, doesn't it? Or, uh, most of them. (Also, we'd still love to get lucky with these sexy Irish celebs.

Ask a Guy: How Much "Sex Instruction" From a Lady is Off-Putting?

In the name of research, I asked five guys how much of the old mid-coital "a little lower... no, higher... OK, now sing Trey Songz to it..." instructional dialogue was too much.

Boy 1:
I don't find it off-putting at all, so long as there's an open dialogue between us in the bedroom. Want me to lick you in a certain way? No problem. I'm here to make you happy. But don't be insulted if I ask you to make an adjustment with me. Just because the cliché says that girls are complicated and guys are simple doesn't mean you should be insulted at the first hint of direction from me. But if it's an open, two-way street, then all is fair.

Boy 2:
Like "lessons" or like "bang me this way"? I think instructions on what to do are necessary and welcome. People have their preferences. I guess when you break out the diagrams, that's too much, but reciprocity and openness are generally good things. Instruction is welcome, but when it's a presentation, that's annoying.

Boy 3:
I like it if there are more Dos than Don'ts.

Boy 4:
It's a delicate psychological dance whenever you're dealing with a guy's sex abilities. But you basically want to avoid saying "don't do that" obviously, and instead frame everything in positive terms, terms of how good x or y will make you feel, because although some guys' egos are easily bruised, that's nothing compared to how wildly, monstrously, dictatorially inflated their egos get when they make you come. Which is why the idea that men are stereotypically selfish in bed strikes me as weird, because most of us (I think) are only selfish in the sense that we want to feel like King D**k when we get you off.

Oh, and really quickly, the other thing that's good about instruction? If a girl is telling you what gets her off it means SHE KNOWS WHAT GETS HER OFF, which is a godsend. She's thought about this. She's comfortable with it. She knows her way around her own body. Being with a girl who has clearly never masturbated and/or can't talk coherently about what feels good/what doesn't makes you feel like you're lost at sea.

Boy 5:
Hmm. Constantly talking doesn't help. Like, if you're trying to do something, and they say, you know... "Go to the left, or right or back up..." That's fine, but if it's like readjusting a level on a wall, you don't want to have anything to do with it because then your head starts to wander, and you wonder if you're not "doing it right," or doing it well.

Me: Wait. What do you mean? Like literally if you're up against a wall?

No, I meant how when you measure something, and you need it to be level, and you're doing constant adjustment

Me: Oh. Haha.

Yeah. Like, we're having sex, not hanging a painting.

Is "No Kids Ever" a Relationship Deal Breaker?

My guy friend A. is madly in love with a woman who has clearly stated that she doesn't want kids. Not ever. He's always pictured himself as a dad, but for whatever reason, she has decided that parenthood is not for her. This wasn't always the case. She was never dead set on being a mom, but she wasn't ruling it out. Now it's not even up for discussion.


I know that for many women, this relationship issue can be the ultimate deal breaker. I've been dreaming about being a mom all my life (although as I get older, I can see why certain people might not). Still, part of me feels sad that A. would give up having children for a woman, though it's not for me to say. Also, I wonder if and how it's different for men. Apparently it's not a deal breaker for this one guy. He said he'd rather spend his life with her than procreate and that he's happy to be the "cool uncle" to other people's kids. I'm not certain if he truly feels this way or if he's trying to convince himself otherwise, but I'm happy to support his decision to stay with her. I just hope he doesn't regret it.


What would you do if you were A.? Would it be a deal breaker for you if the guy you were dating didn't want kids? What about if he first said he wasn't sure and then told you he was against it?

Birth Control is Wreaking Havoc on my Sex Life

We happen to know there's one really confused guy out there who thinks women use birth control in their ongoing efforts to be 'sluts', but the truth is many women use birth control to keep their sex lives healthy and active. Here's the thing: I've been on one type or another for over six years at this point, and I've found that sometimes, birth control (or rather, the side effects of some forms of birth control) can negatively affect a relationship. So what's a responsible, sexually active woman to do?
Mood swings, weight gain, decreased sex drive and health warnings: the possible side effects that come along with some types of birth control can take a toll on you and your partner. Some women on hormonal birth control (especially those on the pill) even feel the effects of female sexual dysfunction, which could mean low libido, difficulty with orgasm and vaginal dryness.

But the negative effects don’t stop there. A recent study Gena wrote about last week even found that “participants who used hormonal contraceptives were less attracted to their partners when they first met, and less sexually satisfied during their relationship than were individuals who did not use hormonal birth control.” In Gena’s words: Yikes!

I’ve been on three different types of birth control (after condoms) in my two-and-a-half year relationship with J and am questioning a switch because of the side effects I’ve noticed (which caused the prior BC switches). Mood swings and a lower sex drive have been the two side effects coming back to haunt me with each new pill I try. And, if we’re being honest, there was that entire month of spotting. I was on birth control so I could have sex with my boyfriend, but the pill I was on caused me to spot, which prevented me from having sex. Give me a break! (Oh, and as a Smitten blogger, I kind of HAVE to be having sex, you guys!) Now I’m on NuvaRing. So it’s not actually a pill, but J and I have had some issues with it. I can’t feel it inside me at all, but J certainly can. According to him, sometimes it feels good and adds the perfect amount of friction. But, sometimes, well, there's a little TOO much friction and does not feel so good to Little J.

Sure, there’s that whole avoiding unwanted pregnancy thing but, personally, I don’t know how long I can stand taking birth control that makes me feel less, well, like ME.

And J has noticed, too. “Some of the birth control you were on in the beginning of our relationship made you a complete cranky, crazy person. And there was always a shortage of chocolate (ha). But I know that it screws with your body, so I always dismissed it. And luckily you've had the wisdom to know that it was messing with you and would always apologize. Of course, if nothing works I would concede and wrap it up… but it wouldn't be my preferred option.”

One of my girlfriends experienced similar mood swings on her birth control: "The moods. The moods were NOT good. I was taking things out on the people I loved. I'm on a new pill now and have been for about a year and I'm happy. While I think birth control in general does alter my mood and make me someone I'm not incredibly happy to be, it has its positives AND negatives on a relationship. Obviously the negative would be that it does alter my mood, the positive would be that I am a totally anxious freak of nature and it is nice to have that piece of mind that I will not be on the next episode of Teen Mom (even though I'm 24...awkward)."

It’s not just us, though. Another girlfriend, Amanda, completely stopped taking the pill she was on because she was feeling so miserable. “I felt severely depressed around my periods and rarely ever had any highs. I wasn't my fun-loving, outgoing self—usually off the wall, always high energy and happy. People talk about how crazy hormones are. Throw some birth control into the mix to mess with them and who knows what will happen.” After a long talk with her boyfriend, they decided she would stop taking the pill and he would start buying condoms again. She felt better (normal again!) almost instantly.

The condom route worked for them, but let’s be honest, a lot of guys want to avoid going back to rubbers when they’re in a committed relationship. My friend, Pat, gave me his honest opinion (and I think A LOT of guys would agree with him):

“The idea of going back to using condoms is so uncontrollably frightening, I shutter at the idea of a girlfriend coming off the pill indefinitely. I'm so against using condoms that I'll turn an otherwise casual relationship into a monogamous, committed thing (if even only for three dates) JUST so that I don't have to wrap it up. And a girlfriend gaining a couple extra pounds is becoming more and more enticing to me as I get older, so that's a plus. All that being said, my first priority as a boyfriend (especially with the ones I've cared about) is the well being of my partner, and so it's about her first. In a perfect world, we've tried and tried to find the right pill for her. Not something that's tolerable, but something that's right for her. Knock on wood, every girlfriend I've had has EVENTUALLY found the right pill.”

It’s a trial and error thing for many couples. I mean, condoms are a last resort for J and me, so back to the doctor I go on my search for the right birth control (hormone-free, perhaps). Maybe I should start looking for Magic Pill #4 so J can say sayonara to crazypants girlfriend and I can just feel like myself again.

Does your birth control negatively affect your relationship? How have you and your boyfriend handled it? Would he go back to using condoms for the sake of your relationship - or are you on the ongoing search for the perfect pill?



Read More http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/04/is-your-birth-control-negative.html#ixzz1rLkWR7ok