A law was passed by the Senate today requiring that the single woman sit before a 17-person jury of a man's exes before deciding that she does, in fact, want to date him.
It began as most things do, with one New Yorker's inebriated brunch plans: Under the influence of three beers and a glass of terrible house white, appealing short blonde Lizzie Swantkowski, 29, agreed to break bread with her new boyfriend Mike's ex-girlfriend Mary, whom he met through their mutual work as SAT tutors at Our Fancy Love Academy for Women on the Upper East Side. (Said Swantkowski: "When I woke up, I was so hungover it was disgusting, and then Mary was texting me, and I remembered I'd agreed to hang out with her and I was like 'Oh, balls...'")
However, brunch with Mary turned out to be an illuminating experience. Swantkowski learned that Mike, in lieu of improving their math scores, had cheated on Mary with three of his most in-need tutees at Our Fancy Love Academy for Women. She also learned that when Mary's grandparents passed away due to a freakish funnel cake machine incident, Mike did not attend the funeral because he was in the midst of a game of World Of Warcraft, the addiction to which later cost him his job and most of his interpersonal relationships. Mary and Swantkowski also learned that they share a mutual love of puggles and Hollandaise sauce. Swantkowski left elated.
After this incident, Swantkowski realized that every woman should have the luxury of talking to a possible suitor's ex-girlfriends in order to get the whole story. She wrote an articulate, impassioned letter to Mayor Bloomberg, who then pushed it through to the national level (Bloomberg: "This is mad important, y'all.") Once Speaker of the House John Boehner got a hold of it, he convinced House GOP leader Matt Dean and minority leader Nancy Pelosi to expand the bill to a 17-person jury of ex-girlfriends, a wide enough range of personality types and experiences to give the woman a 360% look at the man she will potentially date. (Says Boehner, "Yes, this is my real name. I hate when people ask me that, g*ddammit.")
Upon beginning to date a man, every single woman must submit a letter of inquiry to Swantkowski and the New York City Health Commissioner, who then work in tandem to find seventeen women from the man's past. Unlike traditional court cases, the panel is held at multiple locations that have been used by Sex & The City or, alternatively, have endless bread for the table. They also declared Swantkowski head justice of the panel, informally known as "the Ex-stapo." Last month, she was knighted by the Queen.
Examples of verdicts:
Not guilty of having a dirty apartment. Nobody's perfect.
Guilty by reason of stilted, formal texting. Three-date probationary period on condition of his learned ability to text-message banter.
Guilty of saying he finished Infinite Jest when he didn't.
Guilty of pretending to read the New Yorker on the train.
The men in question are free to appeal, but the general response has been "Things are kinda crazy this week, can I appeal later?"
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