A Comprehensive, Semi-Serious Menu of Comfort Foods for Different Kinds of Breakups

Ben & Jerry's, though a classic, isn't appropriate for every single bad-breakup occasion.

Having a relationship issue? Here's what you should eat during these tough dating times--because, as you guys are aware by now, I am an anthropologist who knows everything.

Being cheated on: Five Oreos.
Being cheated on again: Pack of Double-Stuf Oreos.
Being cheated on at a yoga retreat in the Catskills: Vegan Oreos!
Breaking up because you're headed for different colleges: Pizza.
Breaking up because you're headed for different high schools: Lunchable's Pizza.
End of ambiguous non-relationship:Salad with fried chicken and fried eggs in it. (This one is good!) Supplement with macaroons.
End of long-term relationship: White wine, salads, Greek yogurt, air.
End of long-term relationship because he's marrying a 25-year-old clothing store buyer: Cosmos, AM I RIGHT, LADIES? And This, if you can find it.
Post-third date vanish: Quesadilla, one jalapeno margarita.
Post-fifth date vanish: Burrito, three jalapeno margaritas.
Annulment: Quervo Gold, even though that's what got you in this mess in the first place, right?
Left at the altar: Go ahead and have that Ben & Jerry's now.
Boring marriage: Every recipe from the Barefoot Contessa-- you have that much time on your hands. Also, if this is an episode of Desperate Housewives, your strapping young landscaper.
Divorce: Your feelings.
Death: I made you a casserole.