How Romantic Tearjerkers Actually Make us Happier

Apparently, watching sappy tragedies make us grateful for what we have! Congratulations, you are now allowed to watch P.S. I Love You somewhere other than on a plane.

I believe it was renowned scientist Celine Dion who first discovered autocardio-continuity, and she was right: Our hearts will go on and on.

According to a study out of The Ohio State University, reported by Science Daily, tragic movies make us think about our closest relationships and bring attention to the positivity in our lives. Interestingly, it was those viewers who actually thought about their loved ones who experienced an increase in post-weepy-movie happiness; meanwhile, those who approached it from a self-involved angle (e.g. "My life is so much better than these characters' lives") did not feel happier afterward.

The lead author of the study, Silvia Knobloch-Westerwick, ties her results in with prior research that has suggested that negative moods make people more thoughtful and introspective, whereas "positive emotions are generally a signal that everything is fine, you don't have to worry, you don't have to think about issues in your life."

The results were determined by sitting down 361 college students at a screening of Atonement, the 2007 wartime romantic tragedy with Keira Knightley. They were asked to rank their happiness before, after and three times during the film, and many participants reported that it let them to reflect on and appreciate their relationships and goals.

To be honest, I'd love to see a study like this done along gender lines--as in, how many dudes wept and reflected on tragic war casualties Cecilia and Robbie? And are they single? And are they husky? Are they all in Ohio? (If so, Gena, get on that!)

And the Cities That Value Sex the Most (and Least) Are...Did Your City Make the List?

L.A. and NYC have a bit of a long-standing rivalry, which honestly I don’t understand because they're both awesome in different ways. Like avocados and pork buns—how can you expect us to choose? But in terms of which cities with the highest concentration of singles who think sex is vital to a relationship? The winner is clear…

Chemistry.com conducted a survey of 10 million people and discovered that certain geographical locations valued sex over others. Who woulda thunk it's as simple as where you live? And why am I not surprised that the home of scantily-clad beach babes topped the list? Check out the rankings below.

Dr. Helen Fisher, Chemistry.com's chief scientific adviser, divulged her reasoning for the rankings (and it's not as simple as rollerblades and bikini tops!). Because the question was part of a larger test, she was able to further break down the statistics like this:

“When it comes to cities that value sex the least, Builders dominate in these cities and are likely to be more expressive of the serotonin system in the brain. Elevated serotonin can dramatically reduce one’s sex drive and sexual response. This is why serotonin-boosting anti-depressants (like Paxil and Zoloft) regularly jeopardize, even kill, sexual interest. These drugs flood the brain with serotonin.

On the other hand, I am not surprised that Explorers top the list. Explorers are likely to be more expressive of the dopamine system of the brain. And dopamine triggers the production of testosterone-the hormone of sexual desire in both men and women. . Explorers also like novelty, excitement and the pleasures of the senses. So for them, sex has it all.

Lastly, Negotiators came in second on the list of members who value sex the most in relationships. Negotiators believe romance is essential to a partnership. So these men and women devote real time to cultivating romance-bringing home thoughtful gifts to their mate, leaving love notes when heading out of town, making special phone calls to keep in touch, or orchestrating a surprise weekend get- away. They keep the intimacy alive with imaginative daily acts and sex is part of this.”

So much for everything I learned from Sex and the City. Good thing Hoboken, N.J. is just a short train ride away...

The Surprising Effects Birth Control Might Have on Your Relationship (You Want the Good News or the Bad News First?)

You may take birth control to purposely affect your relationship--specifically to keep your relationship baby free, for now at least. But the pill may be affecting your relationship in ways you never anticipated...

According to a survey of 2,500 women in various countries, women who used birth control when they met their significant other were less attracted to their partner and less sexually satisfied. Yikes! That's especially disappointing because it seems like a lot of women choose to be on hormonal birth control in monogamous relationships so that sex can be more enjoyable without condoms.

However, it wasn’t all bad news for relationships. Pill users reported being happier with non-sexual aspects of their relationship and were actually less likely to break up. Previous lab research has shown that women who use birth control aren’t as attracted to “masculine” men with higher testosterone levels. Researchers hypothesize that this could account for the increased relationship stability among women who use the pill--men with lower testosterone tend to be more faithful.

Because of these findings on the effects of birth control on relationships, the psychologist who headed the study even suggests that women who were on birth control at the time they met their guy might want to consider going off the pill for a few months before getting married to test whether their feelings remain the same. Whoa! That seems pretty extreme. You should probably talk to both your doctor and your boyfriend before making that call.

Sheesh, less sexual satisfaction and possibly fake feelings for your man? Oh, and let's not forget these possible effects of using birth control: getting fired and being called a slut. It has been a rough time in birth control news lately. Feel free to chime in with reminders of all the great effects birth control has for women too.

Would You Tattle on a Cheater If Your Friend Was the One Cheating?

In recent years, I've determined that there are times when it's appropriate to stick my nose into someone else's relationship and times to keep mum. Knowing when to do it is the difficult part. So say, for argument's sake, I had a really good friend who was cheating on his serious girlfriend. Do I say something or not? (P.S. I need your help).

Here's the situation:

I have a friend who has been with his girlfriend for two years. He's always going on about how he's going to marry her someday and blah, blah, blah. The "blah, blah, blah" is because while he's gushing about her being the best thing ever, he's also been cheating on her. It's never with the same girl, and sometimes it's only hardcore flirting, but the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable.

The thing is, I'm not close to his girlfriend at all. My allegiances are with him, and his friendship is important to me. Is it worth sitting him down and telling him how uncomfortable I am or that I'm considering telling her? If I do, I assume he'll tell me he's not cheating anymore and then make sure I never find out in the future. Or do I go behind his back and tell his girl? That seems deceitful, and I don't think I could live with myself. I guess I could also just let the relationship play out, but then I feel like I'm in on it and guilty by association.

What do you guys think? You all had such amazing advice about prenups (just last night my best friend Madhu said how impressed she was with your comments), I was hoping to turn the tables this time and be the one to ask for advice.

A Comprehensive, Semi-Serious Menu of Comfort Foods for Different Kinds of Breakups

Ben & Jerry's, though a classic, isn't appropriate for every single bad-breakup occasion.

Having a relationship issue? Here's what you should eat during these tough dating times--because, as you guys are aware by now, I am an anthropologist who knows everything.

Being cheated on: Five Oreos.
Being cheated on again: Pack of Double-Stuf Oreos.
Being cheated on at a yoga retreat in the Catskills: Vegan Oreos!
Breaking up because you're headed for different colleges: Pizza.
Breaking up because you're headed for different high schools: Lunchable's Pizza.
End of ambiguous non-relationship:Salad with fried chicken and fried eggs in it. (This one is good!) Supplement with macaroons.
End of long-term relationship: White wine, salads, Greek yogurt, air.
End of long-term relationship because he's marrying a 25-year-old clothing store buyer: Cosmos, AM I RIGHT, LADIES? And This, if you can find it.
Post-third date vanish: Quesadilla, one jalapeno margarita.
Post-fifth date vanish: Burrito, three jalapeno margaritas.
Annulment: Quervo Gold, even though that's what got you in this mess in the first place, right?
Left at the altar: Go ahead and have that Ben & Jerry's now.
Boring marriage: Every recipe from the Barefoot Contessa-- you have that much time on your hands. Also, if this is an episode of Desperate Housewives, your strapping young landscaper.
Divorce: Your feelings.
Death: I made you a casserole.

What Does Romantic Closure Mean to You?

Smitten blogger Gena asked what romantic closure was a few days ago, albeit more obliquely. Here's what closure means to me:

There was this show called Kingpin in 2003 that my mom, sisters and I really liked. It only ran for one season on NBC, and it was about this Mexican drug lord and his flunkies and his erratic blonde wife. Clearly they were trying to channel a Casino thing. Bobby Canavale was in it. Whatever. Anyway, like all those other one-season shows that are canceled prematurely, a cult fanbase develops around this show and demands a movie, except all of the actors have moved on by now, and there's so much hype that the movie could never live up to everyone's expectations, and--point being, closure! We all need closure!

But back to relationship closure. Even though I'm not guilty of opening old cans of worms there, I think I do have a habit of poking holes in the top of the can and looking in from time to time. When I do, I'm all like, "EWW! AND YET, I MISS THOSE WORMS, NO I DON'T, YES I DO?" And then I poke the worms and run away. Does that make sense? To clarify, I'm not talking about getting over a guy I went on a few dates with--all that really takes is hot yoga and a jalapeno margarita. Unfortunately, what I'm referring to is slightly more complicated, exacerbated by coincidental encounters and my unfortunate proclivity to drunk text. (I know.)

On the bright side, we learn stuff from poking the worms. But ugh, it still sucks. But like, a Kingpin movie would very likely double-suck, so it's a Catch-22. If lead actor Yancey Arias happens to be reading this: I am rooting for you. Maybe you should consider breaking your pattern and trying out for some comedies.

The DOs and DON'Ts of Dating an Older Man

Are you dating an older fellow or thinking about dipping your toes into that more mature water? Well, my dears, you’ve come to the right place. I’m dating an older man, you know. Oh yes, it’s quite thrilling. I’m an expert on the topic. Okay, fine, J is only four years my senior. But I’ve been watching New Girl and compiled a list of DOs and DON’Ts from Jess’s experience dating the sophisticated Dermot Mulroney as Fancypants, who’s a whopping twelve years older. And I’ve added a couple of my own tips for good measure, since I am the younger woman and all.


DO learn from your man who’s been there before you. J plays the “when I was your age” card quite a bit and I’d get annoyed if he wasn’t right and offering me such good advice.

DON’T point out how “cute” his first grey chest hair is (OOPS). Or, in Jess’s (Zooey Deschanel's character, for those of you who aren't fans yet) case, don’t ask about his health: "How's your prostate? We do have to be careful. Our bodies are decaying."

DO relish in the fact that guys get better looking with age, but you’ll always be the hot, younger girlfriend.

DON’T complain about turning “halfway to 50” when he’s “one year ‘til 30”. Or, you know, some version of whining about your age.

DO let him be the man. With age (often) comes maturity and chivalry—take advantage! Cece even tells Jess as she’s first considering dating Russell (the one and only Fancypants) that “he intimidates you because you wouldn’t have to take care of him, he’d take care of you.”

DON’T make your man feel older than he actually is (or date yourself). Russell confesses he hasn’t dated since 1989 and Jess replies, “That was the year I learned to use the toaster by myself.” Not so hot.

DO be lovey dovey, but DON’T nickname him something based on his age (Fancypants is cool, though). Does any man really like to be called your Sexy Silver Fox? Although, I call J “Kid” in this super-cute, ironic way. I think he likes it.

DON’T always assume the guy is just in it to “hit it and quit it”. Yes, there are guys who want to date you simply because you’re young, fresh meat, but that doesn’t mean all older men are just looking for a good time or notch on their belt.

DO be yourself. Whether that’s a mature twenty-something, an immature thirty-something, or a quirky lady living with three dudes like Jess. Or a 24-year-old girl from New Jersey who happens to blog about her relationship. You know.

DON’T use childhood/pop culture references that he will never get. During one scene, Nick (who else has a major crush on him??) starts talking to a girl in college who, he realizes, “doesn’t know what Saved By The Bell is.” For your date with an older gent: as cool as it is, not everyone needs to know that you were part of an ‘NSYNC fan club (cough cough). But, seriously, if they ever do a reunion tour J is SO coming with me.

DO treat the relationship the same as you would with a guy your own age. There’s already enough pressure when it comes to dating, why add more stress and think about the age thing if you really like this dude? Just go with the flow.

Read More http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/03/the-dos-and-donts-of-dating-an.html#ixzz1rMxab279

In Honor of Mad Men, Have You Ever Done A Sexytime Dance for a Dude? To What Song?

The new Ms. Draper's salacious choice of Gillian Hills' "Zou Bisou Bisou" in Mad Men's Season 5 premiere was a good one, but what's yours?

By now we all know about Megan's yé-yé serenade faux pas at Don's surprise party, right? Equal parts bold, sexy, awkward, French, Canadian, French-Canadian, her performance was largely ill-received (other than giving weed-addled Harry Crane a chubby).

Personally, aside from the occasional unfortunate grinding incident at some of New York's dirtiest dance venues in days of yore, I've never seductively shimmied in anyone's direction one-on-one. I will admit that I once broke my shower curtain while doing a drunken striptease to this, but fortunately I was alone at the time. (Unfortunately, this meant it took like a week to get a guy friend to come and fix my shower curtain. How Liz Lemon of me.)

To avoid following my example, study the greats. For instance, here's Vanessa Ferlito getting all up on Bill Pullman in Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof, which is basically the best lap dance I've ever seen:

If you like huskies as much as I do, it'd be even better if you splayed in a chair and had a bucket of Cheez Whiz splashed all over you a la Flashdance. (I just grossed myself out there.)

6 Ways to Get Excited About Dating Again After a Breakup

We’ve talked a lot about the past this week on Smitten: breaking ties with our exes and getting closure. Talking about making progress is the same thing as actually making progress, right? Great. Now let’s talk about facing our dating future.

Now that I’m past the breakup misery stage, and I’ve had lots of time to myself, I’ve been struggling with how to psych myself up for getting back in the dating game for real, not just aimlessly lurking on Match.com or spending weekends with sexy foreigners I'll probably never see again. I finally moved out of my hometown (and my parents' house, which let’s be honest, was a real ladyboner-killer for dating) and I’m getting my professional life a little more in order, so I’ve been thinking that it’s time to start thinking about getting my love life back in order as well.

But ugh, you guys! Dating, am I right? It’s expensive and exhausting, and when it’s not going well, it’s so disheartening. Not to mention that after my nasty breakup, I've got a big old chip on my shoulder about how it might all end that makes me not want to even bother sometimes. However, I don't want to be single forever. It can be great, of course, and I don't mind enjoying the single life, but I do aspire to be part of a twosome at some point in my future. That means I've got to start dating sometime.

Here are some of things I do to try to psych myself back up and keep my enthusiasm at an appropriate level:

Break out of patterns. Just changing up my routine, like going to a different coffee shop to work, gets me all excited about trying new things. And dating/new relationships are all about the new and different.

Do some shallow self-confidence boosting. Little things like a cute haircut or a great new lipstick make me feel sexy and ready to go out and meet men.

Do some serious self-confidence boosting. Spending time with my family, the people who love me most in the world, and making a career change have both been game-changers in my self-confidence. Feeling truly good about myself, not just like I look nice, is essential for me before putting myself out there for dating.

Go out and have fun...but limit the drinking. Obviously, nothing really gets a girl back into going out like actually going out. It's fun, remember? I am working on toning it down a bit though, because that fourth glass of red that I really didn't need can be all the difference between an upbeat, cheerful night and a session of sobbing in bed that no one will ever love me again.

Keep expectations low. It helps to think of a night out or a first date as exactly what it is: just a few hours of time, not necessarily a life changing event. Plus even if it's a disaster, I may get good blogging material out of it. That may not be a universal inspiration.

But not too low. Sometimes when I'm eager to get the dating ball rolling, I'm tempted to say yes to the first guy who comes along just to get back in the game, even if I'm not super into it. That never ends well. I can't be so anxious to be dating that I sacrifice chemistry and connection. It keeps my spirits up if I remember that I'm fine with being single until the right guy comes along.

Spend time with happy (but not annoying) couples. Hanging out with couples that I love together reminds me that successful relationships are possible and totally worth the occasional trauma of dating.

So those are the things that are working for me. Kind of. I'm still pretty hesitant but it's getting better every day. I'd love to hear your tips and advice!

A Website for Date Ideas That Will be Awesome in About a Month

Ever hear of PearHaven.com? Yeah, me neither. Apparently, it’s a new website dedicated to people who are dating or in relationships. Pears as in pairs. Get it?

Pearhaven.com's objective is a good one. You can browse date ideas that other couples have submitted, build your own with ideas the site gives and get DEALS. Who doesn’t love a deal?

I tried out the Date Wizard to see what it was all about. But instead of putting NYC as my location (too easy), I looked for ideas near my hometown of Croton on Hudson, N.Y. After choosing dinner and a gun range and getting a “Sorry, but we couldn't find anything that would make a good date. Would you like to start over?” I decided to make it easy on them and ask for a movie and coffee. It gave me a few ideas, but there doesn’t seem to be a lot to it just yet. No mind-blowing date ideas that I couldn’t come up with myself, but I’m assuming the more people who sign up, the better it will be. Users submit “pointers” about places and the search engine shows maps and ratings. But perhaps because the site is so new and membership is still low, there's not that many results to share.

I'll be back.

Would you use a site like this to discover new things to do on dates? Do you struggle with coming up with new date ideas? Do you think this site will be popular?

Oral Sex Tip From a Guy Friend: The Bad Boys 2 of Blow Jobs

Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where the classic oral sex "spitting or swallowing" dilemma feels like it's for amateurs? If you've ever watched, um, entertainment of the adult variety, you know that there's a third (and most taboo) option: a guy "finishing" on someone's face is a go-to porn move. Which, granted, many women would understandably find degrading.

But the question is, if you (the gal) are comfortable with the idea, ambivalent and open to either, does the average guy prefer swallowing or a "facial"? I asked my friend Ben, who is pretty average. (Sorry, Ben.)

Let's talk blow job endgames for a second.
Sure, that's my favorite kind of game.

So how does the average Joe feel about finishing on a lady's face?
Oh, man. If sex moves were movies, that would be like Bad Boys 2. It's awesome, it's action-packed, it's shameless... That's a once-in-awhile thing. I've only done it like twice in my entire life. It's fun, but not for every day.

How does it compare to swallowing?
There's no mess, there's no clean-up, it's still totally sexy and it's classier than the other thing. It feels amazing. It's practical, and we feel like you're really into it when you do that, which is always good. Guys hate feeling like girls are grossed out by us.

Dubliners Take Home "Ireland's Most Unromantic Man" Awards

Despite what P.S. I Love You might have you believe, men in the Irish capital seem to be lacking in the romance department. (Yes, I have referenced that movie twice this week.)

Does the charming accent make them worth it? You decide.

The search is on overseas for Ireland's Most Unromantic Man, the winner of which will receive a free romantic trip with his lady, and Dubliners are seriously dominating the shortlist over at the contest's website. It's not hard to see why: here are some of the doozies, as reported in Irish paper The Herald.

    Valentine's Day escapades: One local guy bought his girlfriend gym equipment as a gift to help with her "fat belly." (She says: "I just wanted to kill him. But actually after that I lost five kilos and feel much better now.")

    Yet another printed off a Tesco (like our ShopRite) Value range Valentine's card after she took him out for a romantic meal. And another one went to a club on February 14th and left her alone with their two kids.

    Another Dubliner was driving his wife, who had a broken ankle, to the hospital when he realized he'd forgotten his phone--so he left her at a bus stop.

    And finally, one woman's 13-year partner's idea of a romantic gift is a bag of chips, a beer and a night boat to England--during which he sleeps in a cabin bed and she sleeps on a hard chair.

On the bright side, this makes our run of the mill ol' U.S.A. guys look like total Casanovas, doesn't it? Or, uh, most of them. (Also, we'd still love to get lucky with these sexy Irish celebs.

7 Good Reasons to Date a Short Guy

Don’t blow a guy off just because he’s a shorty.

1. “Handsome” doesn’t have a height requirement. Seriously, a good face and hot body looks just as good at 5’7” as it does at 6’3”.

2. Maybe you’re not a supermodel, but you’ll certainly get to feel like one when you go out with him in heels.

3. A short guy willing to go out with a girl who’s taller than he is is confident and probably ok with his girlfriend upstaging him. He’s not too hung up on appearance or machismo. This is a good quality to have in a boyfriend.

4. Uhm, you say Napoleon Complex like it’s a bad thing? Guys with Napoleon complexes are ambitious, capable and driven: they also have learned how to command respect through means other than appearance, all admirable traits. And as for Napoleon himself, well, you know he was sexy as hell, right?

5. And speaking of overcompensating: this is by no means scientific, but the general consensus from women seems to be that guys who don’t necessarily feel the most attractive will often work much harder in bed, whereas the Don Drapers of the world, who are used to being wanted and pursued by women, focus more on the act of receiving pleasure than giving it.

6. Being willing to date a shorter gentleman widely opens up your dating pool. Putting height requirements on your list of potential romantic partners simply means fewer potential bachelors.

7. The best reason to date a short guy is because you’re not a shallow, regressive woman who associates sexual and emotional compatibility with whether or not the guy is a few inches taller, and because you don’t equate your own femininity and sexuality with the notion of being shorter, weaker, than your protective mate. It’s 2012! You have higher (but not taller!) standards now.

Date the guy who makes you laugh, who likes the same stuff you do, who will be there for you, whether or not you have to bend down a little to kiss him. Once you fall in love, you’re not going to care.

Pros and Cons of a Rebound Relationship (AKA What a Dating Blogger Thinks of During Basketball Season) In honor of March Madness, let’s talk about rebounds. Because that’s a basketball thing, right? Whatever, basketball's not really my cup of tea (although Ohio State is, so let's all root for the Buckeyes this weekend, mmmkay?)

In honor of March Madness, let’s talk about rebounds. Because that’s a basketball thing, right? Whatever, basketball's not really my cup of tea (although Ohio State is, so let's all root for the Buckeyes this weekend, mmmkay?)

Yesterday we talked a little about dating after a breakup, and a few commenters wisely stressed the importance of a dating detox. I agree that giving yourself a break can be therapeutic in the healing process, but taking the other approach and rebounding into a new relationship can't be all bad, right? I mean, my girl-crush Katy Perry seems like she's having fun with that hot model guy she's supposedly dating.

Let's consider some of the advantages and disadvantages of the rebound relationship:

Pro: You aren’t sitting at home moping, which is boring. Related: This also means you aren't numbing your pain with an endless supply of French bread pizzas. No breakup weight gain here!

Con: You’re avoiding dealing with your sadness, and all that repression might lead to a breakdown of epic proportions later, similar to this concept:

Con: Jumping into a relationship too quickly can end up making you feel worse later when you might realize you barely even like the guy, you were just blinded by the sex and/or not wanting to be alone.

Pro: Suck it ex-boyfriend! Your new guy is hotter and smarter and totally better in bed (or at least that's what you're telling all your mutual friends).

Con: You're possibly just dating a guy who reminds you of your ex. What you really need to be doing is breaking your cycle of making the same mistakes all over again.

Do You Know the Difference Between Lady-Part Lube vs. Moisturizer?

In addition to helping us with anorgasmic pals, Dr. Susan Kellogg, Director of Sexual Medicine at The Pelvic and Sexual Health Institute of Philadelphia, recently informed us that we all need to water our flowers... or whatever euphemism makes you comfortable.

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty disciplined about moisturizing. Come rain, come shine, whether I'm dead-tired, hungover, or possibly dying of Bat-Pig Disease, I will make sure that my face is moisturized twice a day. And with this new info, it appears I'll be adding more to my regimen.

Smitten:
Dude, I did not even know there was a moisturizer for the down there, are you serious?

Dr. Kellogg:
Yup. So, many women are aware of the properties of lube, basically: it can be applied to your partner's penis if you're in a heterosexual relationship, or to the opening of your vagina, or to a vibrator, or anything, really. But it's only for the surface of your skin, and it needs to be reapplied.

Moisturizers, on the other hand, aren't just for surface use; they actually deposit the moisture in your skin and the lining of your vagina. And you don't have to reapply mid-penetration--the effects of the moisturizer actually last up to 3 days. It also is a preventative measure for the kind of chronic vaginal dryness that can lead to an extremely painful condition like vulvodynia.

Women have a tendency to think of these products as a last-ditch resort to avoid pain, and we blame ourselves because we "shouldn't need" to enhance vaginal wetness when you're with a partner. But really, they should be thinking about enhancing their comfort and pleasure and making it an even more positive experience.

Now There's an Online Dating Site for Doomsday Preppers? Would You Join a Niche Dating Site?

When canning venison and whittling an arrow are skills you’re looking for in a man, it can make dating exponentially harder than it already is. But now there’s SurvivalistSingles.com, an online dating site for those who are prepping for “Doomsday.” Its slogan? “Don’t face the future alone.”

While members differ on what will bring about "TEOTWAWKI" (The end of the world as we know it), the objective is similar: finding someone who won’t look at you cockeyed when you trade in your car for milking cows.

According to this CNN article, one member says, "It's hard to connect with someone who doesn't have a similar mindset. You can't explain why your truck is packed like you're always ready for an expedition--they don't get it," he said. "But when you meet another survivalist, you start talking about all this stuff and the women look at you like you have a million dollars in the bank."

OK, so I might have had six or so months where the “end of the world” took up some valuable brain space. I did (and still do) worry about peak oil, food shortages and overpopulation, but I don’t have a bunker (or even an extra set of AA batteries for my vibrator) so it’s safe to say I will never be fit to find love on Survivalist Singles.

Still, what they say is true, there really is a lid for every pot—er, arrow for every bow.

Weekend Oral Sex Challenge: a Delicious Treat For Two

Former Smitten blogger Rosemary (if you're reading this, we miss you!) once wrote that she didn't think ice and sex went well together. But just wait until she sees what I'd like to do with an ice pop.

This weekend, pick up a brand of your favorite ice pops (personally, I think sugar-free is best in this scenario, or if you have the time, make your own). Then, one night after dinner, slip into something more, ahem, comfortable and ask your guy to accompany you to the kitchen for a late-night snack. Grab one ice pop from the freezer, slowly unwrap it and start sucking and licking it seductively while staring into his eyes.

At this point, he'll probably still be wondering where his treat is (patience, boy!). With your free hand, start undoing his pants and get down on your knees. (You may need a little help getting his drawers down, but I'm sure he'll be happy to assist.) But don't start pleasuring him just yet. Treat the ice pop like his member, sliding it in and out of your mouth and using your tongue to circle the tip. Chances are, he'll grow right before your eyes. When your mouth is good and cold, put your lips around his tip. It may chill him at first, but the sensation will be incredible. Alternate between sucking the ice pops and sucking him. Then, hand him the pop or set it aside to finish him off.

Now, if you ask me, fun with ice pops is very sexy.

If Oral Sex Isn't an Option, How About Aural Sex? (As in, Skype)

Do you consider 20 minutes of troubleshooting and dropped calls foreplay? Then this piece in the Swarthmore Phoenix, illuminating the joys of Skype sex, is for you.

Because most long-distance couples don't have a Friar Laurence (and what good did homeboy do, anyway?), video-chat or phone sex is often a handy remedy for the star-crossed boner. And with Skype, there's a whole added dimension of satisfaction in watching your partner (and being watched), as well as a lessening of pressure to do any fancy "voice acting" and just be yourself.

In addition, the article reports that you can also utilize remote-controlled vibrators (not just for military wives!) After a day of buildup via sexting or Gflirting, frankly, you might need all of this newfangled stuff to truly be satisfied.

One hitch--if you fail at technology, the prospect of utilizing Skype, etc. is somewhat daunting. I literally just figured out how to work an iPhone. But... it's the future, right?

Any Skype-sex-experienced girls out there want to give everyone else some tips?

Seriously, Guys: Here Are Your Hilarious April Fool’s Pickup Lines

We've got your April Fool's pickup lines right here:

I don’t know what it is about today, but I’m fooling in love with you.

Girl, you’re Fool’s gold. And I don’t ever want to know the real thing.

Guess what day it is? Let’s fool around. (I’m not joking.)

You’re cute. April Fool’s! You’re MINDBLOWINGLY SEXY.

That hipster dress is a joke. Better take it off.

You put the “oh oh” in “fool.”

It’s April Fool’s Day, and you look you could turn tricks, baby.

Girl, I’d let you flush the toilet while I’m in the shower.

Did someone replace the Splenda with cement? Cuz I just got really hard.

I have a box full of baby kittens in my room. Wanna see? …April Fool’s! But now that we’re here…

Are you Fool proof, or can I trick you into buying me a drink?

You make an April Fool out of me every day.

Read More http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/04/seriously-guys-here-are-your-h.html#ixzz1rM9Ma4TP

This Just In: Panel Consultation With 17 Ex-Girlfriends Now Required for Current Girlfriend

A law was passed by the Senate today requiring that the single woman sit before a 17-person jury of a man's exes before deciding that she does, in fact, want to date him.

It began as most things do, with one New Yorker's inebriated brunch plans: Under the influence of three beers and a glass of terrible house white, appealing short blonde Lizzie Swantkowski, 29, agreed to break bread with her new boyfriend Mike's ex-girlfriend Mary, whom he met through their mutual work as SAT tutors at Our Fancy Love Academy for Women on the Upper East Side. (Said Swantkowski: "When I woke up, I was so hungover it was disgusting, and then Mary was texting me, and I remembered I'd agreed to hang out with her and I was like 'Oh, balls...'")

However, brunch with Mary turned out to be an illuminating experience. Swantkowski learned that Mike, in lieu of improving their math scores, had cheated on Mary with three of his most in-need tutees at Our Fancy Love Academy for Women. She also learned that when Mary's grandparents passed away due to a freakish funnel cake machine incident, Mike did not attend the funeral because he was in the midst of a game of World Of Warcraft, the addiction to which later cost him his job and most of his interpersonal relationships. Mary and Swantkowski also learned that they share a mutual love of puggles and Hollandaise sauce. Swantkowski left elated.

After this incident, Swantkowski realized that every woman should have the luxury of talking to a possible suitor's ex-girlfriends in order to get the whole story. She wrote an articulate, impassioned letter to Mayor Bloomberg, who then pushed it through to the national level (Bloomberg: "This is mad important, y'all.") Once Speaker of the House John Boehner got a hold of it, he convinced House GOP leader Matt Dean and minority leader Nancy Pelosi to expand the bill to a 17-person jury of ex-girlfriends, a wide enough range of personality types and experiences to give the woman a 360% look at the man she will potentially date. (Says Boehner, "Yes, this is my real name. I hate when people ask me that, g*ddammit.")

Upon beginning to date a man, every single woman must submit a letter of inquiry to Swantkowski and the New York City Health Commissioner, who then work in tandem to find seventeen women from the man's past. Unlike traditional court cases, the panel is held at multiple locations that have been used by Sex & The City or, alternatively, have endless bread for the table. They also declared Swantkowski head justice of the panel, informally known as "the Ex-stapo." Last month, she was knighted by the Queen.

Examples of verdicts:

Not guilty of having a dirty apartment. Nobody's perfect.
Guilty by reason of stilted, formal texting. Three-date probationary period on condition of his learned ability to text-message banter.
Guilty of saying he finished Infinite Jest when he didn't.
Guilty of pretending to read the New Yorker on the train.

The men in question are free to appeal, but the general response has been "Things are kinda crazy this week, can I appeal later?"

The 7 Traits of a Perfect First Date Spot

When your first date doesn’t center around a specific activity — museum exhibit, sporting event, concert — the open-endedness of choosing a place can be overwhelming. How do you know whether you’ve chosen the perfect date spot? Here are 7 qualities to look for when deciding where to take someone out.

1. It’s Somewhere You Like, But Not Your Favorite Spot.
Your favorite spot is sacred, man. Save it for the third or fourth date, but definitely don’t take someone there unless you’ve pre-vetted them to know you’ll have a good time. You don’t want to mar your favorite place with memories of potentially lackluster dates.

2. It’s Someplace You Can Chill for Up to 2 Hours
If your date goes well, you’re going to end up lingering a long time, even if you were just meeting for coffee. The problem with a place like, for example, Starbucks, is that it’s not an ideal place to spend more than, say, 45 minutes. Choose an environment where you can really relax and not even notice how much time has gone by. If the date sucks, you can always leave early.

3. It’s Close to Other Things.
Always have a plan for how to elongate the date if it goes well. For example: if you meet up for coffee, make sure there’s a restaurant nearby in case you want to suggest dinner. If you’ve met up for dinner, choose someplace that’s near a bar where you could go for a nightcap.

4. It’s Not Too Loud.
Nothing kills potential romance like having to scream “What??” to each other, over and over again.

5. It’s Lively Enough.
It can be surprisingly uncomfortable to have a first date at a bar or a restaurant where you’re the only patrons. Having other people around can go a long way in making things feel more natural, and talking about the people around you is always a good talking point if the conversation runs dry.

6. It’s Not Your “Cheers” Bar
f you’re lucky enough to have a bar where everyone truly knows your name (in 2012, no less!), then you should feel pretty badass, but you should not choose this spot for first dates. Way too intimidating! On a first date, you want someplace where the chances of running into someone you know (and awkwardly having to introduce your date as…a friend? And possibly having to small talk with the interloper) are slim. Don’t worry: the Cheers bar will get you major points later on in the relationship.

7. It’s Far Enough Away From Where You Live.
It’s ok to hope that the evening ends up at your place. But you have to at least pretend that you weren’t planning on ending up there all along. Choose somewhere that’s at least a few blocks away — picking someplace across the street is poor form.

6 Crappy Reasons to Move in Together

So you're in love and you want to take it to the next level and move in together. Do it! But make sure it's not for the following six reasons:

1. You'll save money.
It's rough out there for those of us in the 99 percent, but your decision to live together shouldn't be based on cashflow.

2. Your mom is on your case.
Pressure from outside sources is not a reason to break the lease on your house and start splitting utilities. Your parents aren't the ones living your life; you are.

3. Your friends are all married.
Take it from me. More than half of my friends are married or engaged. But living together isn't necessarily the precursor to tying the knot. If you two aren't ready for marriage, moving in isn't going to make him propose.

4. You hate your apartment (or you don't have one).
Again, this rarely works out in your favor. Sure, you'll have a place to rest your head at night, but remember, you'll be waking up to A PERSON each and every morning.

5. It's easier to track his whereabouts.
You should want to live with each other to share in everyday life experiences, not to keep an eye on him. If the only way you can be sure he's not up to no good is to plant yourself at his house and wait for him to come home, then you might as well have a set of binoculars and a nanny cam. (Not advised.)

6. He wants you to.
You're halfway there. When you want to move in with him as badly as he does, then it's time to get packing and submit your change of address form.

The Ultimate Dream Date if You Have a Boatload of Money and a Love of Doom (Or Leonardo DiCaprio)

If you loved the movie Titanic (who didn’t?) and have a ton of extra money (um, who does?), then boy oh boy, do I have the perfect date idea for you. BTW, see what I did there with "boatload"? Ha.

As spotted on Jezebel this weekend, Cullen’s Restaurant in Houston is offering the perfect date package for rich people who love reenacting scenes from a doomed ocean liner: the Titanic Experience. Included in the totally affordable $12,000 package is a 10-course meal of old-timey dishes as served on the Titanic for you and 11 of your closest friends (sounds like a perfect prom plan, kids! Ask Mom and Dad!) and the chance to sample a bottle of Armagnac from the year 1900. The fact that I have no idea what Armagnac is might be a good indicator that I can’t afford this date.

The package was created to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the ship’s sinking on April 15 and coincidentally probably not coincidentally at all, the re-release of the epic film is scheduled for this month as well. You also get to eat at the restaurant’s “Macy’s Table,” a room suspended from the ceiling, which does sound pretty awesome.

All I know is that for that kind of money, I'd prefer that Leonardo DiCaprio himself be waiting for me at the bottom of a grand staircase, with a tuxedo and a smile. Sigh. I’ll never let go, Jack.

What Does Dirty Talk Even Mean, Though?

Not to get all Ayn Rand on you, but I suspect the kind of dirty talk that turns you on is directly related to the power dynamic of your relationship.

Yes, I know I have a divisive opinion on this subject, but dear All The Single Ladies, back me up on this?

It's one thing to be in a long-term relationship and spice things up with naughty lines. That's somewhat reminiscent of how longtime BF/GFs spice up their routine sex with role-playing or light BDSM. It's fun because the sexual context you're in is inherently emotionally safe.

But when you're hooking up with someone you've been on a few dates with, or--ahh, even more complicated!--someone you've been hooking up with forever who's not interested in a relationship (while you are). As someone who's been in that position, I gotta admit that dirty talk, ironically, began to mean something else entirely to me: sweet nothings. You know. Conventional, love-y, long-term-y, '50s-housewife-sounding stuff. If I could slip in a "baby" or a "sweetheart" in here and there without receiving some sort of derogatory reply, that was pretty titillating. Because there was a momentary illusion of emotional safeness with the person, which, in turn, made me more sexually comfortable. See how that works?

Point being, you can be as graphic as you want, but depending on the dynamic of your relationship, in some circumstances (especially if what you want is more of an emotional connection), conventional dirty talk just may not be what grinds your gears. Or, it does, but in a robotic call-and-response way.

Ask a Guy: How Much "Sex Instruction" From a Lady is Off-Putting?

In the name of research, I asked five guys how much of the old mid-coital "a little lower... no, higher... OK, now sing Trey Songz to it..." instructional dialogue was too much.

Boy 1:
I don't find it off-putting at all, so long as there's an open dialogue between us in the bedroom. Want me to lick you in a certain way? No problem. I'm here to make you happy. But don't be insulted if I ask you to make an adjustment with me. Just because the cliché says that girls are complicated and guys are simple doesn't mean you should be insulted at the first hint of direction from me. But if it's an open, two-way street, then all is fair.

Boy 2:
Like "lessons" or like "bang me this way"? I think instructions on what to do are necessary and welcome. People have their preferences. I guess when you break out the diagrams, that's too much, but reciprocity and openness are generally good things. Instruction is welcome, but when it's a presentation, that's annoying.

Boy 3:
I like it if there are more Dos than Don'ts.

Boy 4:
It's a delicate psychological dance whenever you're dealing with a guy's sex abilities. But you basically want to avoid saying "don't do that" obviously, and instead frame everything in positive terms, terms of how good x or y will make you feel, because although some guys' egos are easily bruised, that's nothing compared to how wildly, monstrously, dictatorially inflated their egos get when they make you come. Which is why the idea that men are stereotypically selfish in bed strikes me as weird, because most of us (I think) are only selfish in the sense that we want to feel like King D**k when we get you off.

Oh, and really quickly, the other thing that's good about instruction? If a girl is telling you what gets her off it means SHE KNOWS WHAT GETS HER OFF, which is a godsend. She's thought about this. She's comfortable with it. She knows her way around her own body. Being with a girl who has clearly never masturbated and/or can't talk coherently about what feels good/what doesn't makes you feel like you're lost at sea.

Boy 5:
Hmm. Constantly talking doesn't help. Like, if you're trying to do something, and they say, you know... "Go to the left, or right or back up..." That's fine, but if it's like readjusting a level on a wall, you don't want to have anything to do with it because then your head starts to wander, and you wonder if you're not "doing it right," or doing it well.

Me: Wait. What do you mean? Like literally if you're up against a wall?

No, I meant how when you measure something, and you need it to be level, and you're doing constant adjustment

Me: Oh. Haha.

Yeah. Like, we're having sex, not hanging a painting.

Is "No Kids Ever" a Relationship Deal Breaker?

My guy friend A. is madly in love with a woman who has clearly stated that she doesn't want kids. Not ever. He's always pictured himself as a dad, but for whatever reason, she has decided that parenthood is not for her. This wasn't always the case. She was never dead set on being a mom, but she wasn't ruling it out. Now it's not even up for discussion.


I know that for many women, this relationship issue can be the ultimate deal breaker. I've been dreaming about being a mom all my life (although as I get older, I can see why certain people might not). Still, part of me feels sad that A. would give up having children for a woman, though it's not for me to say. Also, I wonder if and how it's different for men. Apparently it's not a deal breaker for this one guy. He said he'd rather spend his life with her than procreate and that he's happy to be the "cool uncle" to other people's kids. I'm not certain if he truly feels this way or if he's trying to convince himself otherwise, but I'm happy to support his decision to stay with her. I just hope he doesn't regret it.


What would you do if you were A.? Would it be a deal breaker for you if the guy you were dating didn't want kids? What about if he first said he wasn't sure and then told you he was against it?

Birth Control is Wreaking Havoc on my Sex Life

We happen to know there's one really confused guy out there who thinks women use birth control in their ongoing efforts to be 'sluts', but the truth is many women use birth control to keep their sex lives healthy and active. Here's the thing: I've been on one type or another for over six years at this point, and I've found that sometimes, birth control (or rather, the side effects of some forms of birth control) can negatively affect a relationship. So what's a responsible, sexually active woman to do?
Mood swings, weight gain, decreased sex drive and health warnings: the possible side effects that come along with some types of birth control can take a toll on you and your partner. Some women on hormonal birth control (especially those on the pill) even feel the effects of female sexual dysfunction, which could mean low libido, difficulty with orgasm and vaginal dryness.

But the negative effects don’t stop there. A recent study Gena wrote about last week even found that “participants who used hormonal contraceptives were less attracted to their partners when they first met, and less sexually satisfied during their relationship than were individuals who did not use hormonal birth control.” In Gena’s words: Yikes!

I’ve been on three different types of birth control (after condoms) in my two-and-a-half year relationship with J and am questioning a switch because of the side effects I’ve noticed (which caused the prior BC switches). Mood swings and a lower sex drive have been the two side effects coming back to haunt me with each new pill I try. And, if we’re being honest, there was that entire month of spotting. I was on birth control so I could have sex with my boyfriend, but the pill I was on caused me to spot, which prevented me from having sex. Give me a break! (Oh, and as a Smitten blogger, I kind of HAVE to be having sex, you guys!) Now I’m on NuvaRing. So it’s not actually a pill, but J and I have had some issues with it. I can’t feel it inside me at all, but J certainly can. According to him, sometimes it feels good and adds the perfect amount of friction. But, sometimes, well, there's a little TOO much friction and does not feel so good to Little J.

Sure, there’s that whole avoiding unwanted pregnancy thing but, personally, I don’t know how long I can stand taking birth control that makes me feel less, well, like ME.

And J has noticed, too. “Some of the birth control you were on in the beginning of our relationship made you a complete cranky, crazy person. And there was always a shortage of chocolate (ha). But I know that it screws with your body, so I always dismissed it. And luckily you've had the wisdom to know that it was messing with you and would always apologize. Of course, if nothing works I would concede and wrap it up… but it wouldn't be my preferred option.”

One of my girlfriends experienced similar mood swings on her birth control: "The moods. The moods were NOT good. I was taking things out on the people I loved. I'm on a new pill now and have been for about a year and I'm happy. While I think birth control in general does alter my mood and make me someone I'm not incredibly happy to be, it has its positives AND negatives on a relationship. Obviously the negative would be that it does alter my mood, the positive would be that I am a totally anxious freak of nature and it is nice to have that piece of mind that I will not be on the next episode of Teen Mom (even though I'm 24...awkward)."

It’s not just us, though. Another girlfriend, Amanda, completely stopped taking the pill she was on because she was feeling so miserable. “I felt severely depressed around my periods and rarely ever had any highs. I wasn't my fun-loving, outgoing self—usually off the wall, always high energy and happy. People talk about how crazy hormones are. Throw some birth control into the mix to mess with them and who knows what will happen.” After a long talk with her boyfriend, they decided she would stop taking the pill and he would start buying condoms again. She felt better (normal again!) almost instantly.

The condom route worked for them, but let’s be honest, a lot of guys want to avoid going back to rubbers when they’re in a committed relationship. My friend, Pat, gave me his honest opinion (and I think A LOT of guys would agree with him):

“The idea of going back to using condoms is so uncontrollably frightening, I shutter at the idea of a girlfriend coming off the pill indefinitely. I'm so against using condoms that I'll turn an otherwise casual relationship into a monogamous, committed thing (if even only for three dates) JUST so that I don't have to wrap it up. And a girlfriend gaining a couple extra pounds is becoming more and more enticing to me as I get older, so that's a plus. All that being said, my first priority as a boyfriend (especially with the ones I've cared about) is the well being of my partner, and so it's about her first. In a perfect world, we've tried and tried to find the right pill for her. Not something that's tolerable, but something that's right for her. Knock on wood, every girlfriend I've had has EVENTUALLY found the right pill.”

It’s a trial and error thing for many couples. I mean, condoms are a last resort for J and me, so back to the doctor I go on my search for the right birth control (hormone-free, perhaps). Maybe I should start looking for Magic Pill #4 so J can say sayonara to crazypants girlfriend and I can just feel like myself again.

Does your birth control negatively affect your relationship? How have you and your boyfriend handled it? Would he go back to using condoms for the sake of your relationship - or are you on the ongoing search for the perfect pill?



Read More http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/04/is-your-birth-control-negative.html#ixzz1rLkWR7ok

10 Stellar Responses to Use the Next Time Some Rude Person Asks, "Why Are You Still Single?"

You know when you’re at a party or family function and just as you stuff a piece of cheese in your mouth, someone asks you why you don’t have a boyfriend? Well girls, whatever the reason, you're not alone; #iamsinglebecause is trending on Twitter, and guess what? The answers are pretty universal.

How to Heal a Broken Heart...in Just 24 Hours?! (If This Really Works, Sign Me Up!)

Anyone who's been through a breakup knows just how hard it is to get over. So what if I told you that in one day, someone could help you fix your broken heart? I’m assuming the sound I just heard was a lot of hands shooting in the air and people yelling "Pick me, pick me!"

British spa ILA has been running a 24-hour detoxing course (not to be confused with Ariane’s “man fast”) and one woman, Lucy Cavendish, is reporting on her experience for the Daily Mail. After the breakup of her 11-year marriage, she felt devastated and afraid of her future as a single mother, so she turned to spa founder Denise Leicester.

Leicester says that the point of the detox day is to be nurtured (so don't worry about crying during a massage) and to break the self-destructive patterns that women tend to have. The 24-hour experience includes realigning the chakras through massage, yoga, Nordic walking, and a session of what's called Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). EFT focuses on tapping fingers on various parts of your body while repeating certain statements. The idea is to interrupt your thought pattern and release bad energy.

Is it really possible to make a major emotional change in just one day? I don’t know. It seems a little too good to be true, but the author did report back that after a week, she felt a release of fear and a major sense of calm. If one day doesn't seem like enough, there is also a 5-day retreat offered. Of course, most of us probably can't spring for a day of pricey spa treatments (um, not to mention travel costs to England). In a fantasy world where I make a lot more money, however, I would be completely intrigued by the idea of a detox treatment to stop the painful patterns that can develop during a breakup--panicking, feeling worthless and out of control, blaming yourself, etc. Feeling that way creates a vicious cycle that can make it seem impossible to move forward in your life. If it could help break that cycle, then focusing on healing your mind and your body sounds like the best kind of post-breakup splurge I can imagine.

What's the Biggest Lie You've Heard (Or Told) Before Sex?

We Smitten bloggers are just loving the hashtag situation on Twitter today. As Ariane noted, there are some awesome #IAmSingleBecause Tweets going around. And now, inspired by Twitter's #liesbeforesex, I'd pose to you this question: what's the biggest pre-coital fib you've heard (or told!)?

I was reaching for a "Pinocchio's nose" boner pun there, but I just couldn't pull one out today. Anyway! This trending topic on Twitter reminds me of this gag in Trey Parker and Matt Stone's Team America, NSFW and therefore unable to be linked here, where the (puppet!) protagonist and love interest are divulging their feelings for one another. She is hesitant because she had lost her (also puppet!) ex-boyfriend in battle.

"If you could tell me you'll never die, I'd make love to you right now."
"I promise," he says, "I will never die."

So there's a good one to start. Here are some more Tweets on the subject of lies before sex:

Relationship DO or DON'T: Going Into Business With Your Dude

There is something undeniably romantic to me about becoming business partners with your man but, unfortunately, it doesn't always turn out to be roses and rainbows...

Sometimes I think the idea of working together is AMAZING—you love spending time with one another and you have similar sensibilities about how things should be done, so why not team up? One of my favorite older couples has been married for 45 years and has worked together just as long. The two of them own an antiques business; he handles the restoration and day-to-day operations, and she takes care of the books. They have a good thing going, although I'm sure they, too, have had their struggles.

On the other hand, I've also heard horror stories on how it can end up tearing a couple apart. Life is stressful enough and bringing work issues into your relationship can easily spell disaster. It seems like just more fodder for fights, no?

Thoughts?

Getting to Know You: Let's Talk About Asexuality (a.k.a. the Other 1 Percent)

Can you imagine having absolutely no interest in sex? David Jay, asexual founder of online community AVEN (Asexual Visibility And Education Network), explained his experience to The Atlantic.

Although it's perhaps the only thing that Paula Poundstone, Janeane Garofalo, Tim Gunn, Edward Gorey, and J.M. Barrie allegedly have in common, before Jay became a spokesperson for asexuality, there was no collective voice of the little-known sexual orientation. According to a 2004 study, asexuals make up an estimated 1 percent of our adult population.

Jay clarifies the major difference between celibacy and asexuality: while celibate people abstain from sex despite their desire to have it, asexuals run the gamut from being completely disgusted by sex to simply indifferent. When Jay came of age, he remembers feeling like something was "broken" in him when his classmates began dating and discussing hot movie stars. Mark Carrigan, a researcher at the University of Warwick in the U.K., tells The Atlantic that Western culture's "...assumptions about sex are so ingrained, that if you're sexual you don't notice them. But asexual people do notice them, because their experiences don't fit." So basically, the ubiquity of a sex drive causes asexuals to feel isolated. It was only after Jay began his outreach that thousands of people came out of the woodwork to identify as asexual, and he hopes that the "third wave" of awareness is approaching to include asexuality among the "normal" sexual dispositions. Jay makes a very convincing case about how heteronormative standards limit our tolerance:

"Freud originally defined libido as lust for life, not lust for sex... He talked about libido manifesting in sexual desire, but not exclusively. For a lot of people, sexuality serves as an essential metaphor for that desire to live or desire to connect."

As far as I'm concerned, it's hard to not have empathy for people like this--imagine all that self-consciousness in high school, and all the "You just haven't met the right person" cr*p they have to go through in adulthood. That's just as bad as telling a gay man that he hasn't met the right girl, no

10 Reasons You Should Date the Boy from Back Home

If you and a cute guy from your elementary school/middle school/high school end up in the same city as adults, don’t dismiss him as a potential boyfriend—it’s totally worth a try. Here’s why.

1.Your Parents Already Know Him
And of course they love him! The last time they saw him he was going through his adorable, innocent phase. (Well… unless he wasn’t. But everyone deserves a second chance!) Plus, he still calls your mom “Mrs. Whatever.”


2. He’s Seen It All
He knows your old AIM name was ILOVEDOLPHINS. He remembers that dog collar necklace you never took off. He knows you had, like, no friends in high school. And he doesn’t care.


3. Hometown References
Just bring up a popular restaurant or store, and say no more—he’s on the same page as you. The story about that time you “barfed all over the place at Tequila Pancho’s” takes on a deeper meaning. You both crave Skyline chili (Cincinnati) or Beau Jo’s pizza (Denver) or whatever.


4. You Have Friends In Common
From way, way back. Not only can you talk about them, but they can act as a support system in your relationship.


5. You Can Go Home Together
Oh man, you have to go home for Easter again this year? Well now it’s fun, because your boyfriend does, too. Two birds, one stone.


6. It Bonds You
If you’re from a place that’s the butt of every joke (the same town in New Jersey, some random town in West Virginia) you might have a sense of pride for it that nobody else will understand. You know how it feels when you get someone’s number and your ears perk when you hear they have the same area code as you, and it’s from your hometown? That’s because even if you hate your hometown, you kind of like it. At least you get it.


7. You Have Adorable Pictures Of You Together
From when you were 14. “Look at us! What the hell were we wearing?!”


8. You Had The Same Teachers In School
So you did the same physics projects, read the same books, and have the same dumb methods for remembering the periodic table. Having those quirky things in common is a huge bonus.


9. You Can Totally Call Them On Their Bullsh*t
“You weren’t on the lacrosse team!” “You did too have braces!” “You totally had a mullet.” “Your mom volunteered for everything in school!” “Remember that time you farted in church?” “Why did you date that TOTALLY RANDOM PERSON that one time?” Come on, this stuff keeps us real.


10. Oh, Come On. You’re Just Similar.
And you don’t really know why. But it’s kind of awesome.


Are you dating the guy from back home?

The Ladies' Guide to Catching and Keeping Your Booty Call

Sometimes, when you find yourself the more interested party in an ongoing casual sex thing, especially if you're relatively inexperienced and self-conscious, it's totally normal to feel... ogre-ish. Like a frat boy. A frat boy in a designer skirt. And if you've only recently become "friends with benefits" with some dude, you're still not sure how aggressive is too aggressive (and a turn-off). Which leads to all kinds of shenanigans. For example, the following text message exchange:

LADY: "What are you doing?"
GUY: "Ugh totally overloaded with work. I wish I could sleep, I just have so much stuff I have to finish."
LADY: "Oh. I was hoping we could have pants-off time."
(5-minute silence during which lady imagines how douchey that might sound if genders were reversed.)
LADY: "Ew, no, I'm sorry for saying that, Is that tacky?
LADY: "OMG I'm a pig."
LADY: "It's just a stress reliever for me, you know?"
LADY: "You should stop being so good at it, then. Get braces or something."
LADY: "forget this whole one-sided exchange ever happened XOXO"
GUY: "does Thursday work for you?"
LADY: "I have to check my calendar."
LADY: "yes."

Luckily for you guys, I've learned some tips the hard way about how to pull off instigating a hookup. And how not to attempt to pull it off. All, of course, conditional on whether you actually have feelings for the dude, and are willing to play mind games to win him over emotionally, but let's assume you don't/aren't.

Pick someone on the periphery of your social life. Preferably not your friend's sibling, but definitely someone you can run into at parties and make out with in stairwells. There's slightly more at stake socially than there is with a stranger, but not so much as there is with someone you'd actually define as a friend.

And also, not someone who makes you nervous! No butterflies should live in your stomach or anywhere around him, really. At least in my experience, that means that I'm somewhat emotionally and physically invested is the guy, and nothing spells the end of a booty-call relationship quite like feelings. Anyway, being relaxed leads to unforced sexytime fun, and fun leads to orgasms, and orgasms are yayyyy.

Tryyyy not to kiss and tell. Just 'cause. If you're both open to other people, and you've got a lot of friends in common, that kind of blows up his spot.

Keep the drunk-texting to a minimum unless it has an actual purpose. Occasionally, it's fine and fun, but bear in mind that unless you're making plans to hang out and/or do it, it's sort of pointless, no?

Don't do the high-heel-and-skirt stuff with him. Oh, gosh, the best part of this is that you can roll up in a pair of Converse and jeans and eschew all that other stuff. Plus, then the mutual casual thing is visually established. Nothing worse than arriving at his place all dolled up and finding him in a pizza-stained t-shirt with greasy hair.

Eat in bed! Watch sh*tty movies! OK, actually this is the best part. Don't take it seriously! No soft gazes or meals in restaurants or talking about what colleges y'all went to!

And the sleeping-over thing... To be honest, I don't recommend it, but it's nice if he offers to let you stay or vice-versa, especially if it's super-late and your houses are really far apart. If a guy's kicking you out right after you're done, not the classiest move.

The Totally Sensible Secret to a Lasting Relationship, According to One Expert

It’s a proven fact that in any delicious dish, the secret to what makes it taste so yummy is basically always butter (this fact was proven in my mouth). For relationships, the secret ingredient is not so clear, but one psychologist has a wise and pretty reasonable answer that's a lot healthier for your heart.

This couple probably knows the secret and it’s surprisingly not color coordinated sweaters, although they certainly never hurt.

Over at Psychology Today, Ph.D. Thomas Plante is lamenting the fact that people are boneheaded about their choices in partners. For some reason, the word “boneheaded” is making me giggle like a sixth-grade boy, but I get what he’s saying: People are obsessed with chemistry, attraction and love at first sight (thanks, romantic comedies!), when what they should really be seeking is compatibility. Similar interests, world views, parenting styles, and goals in life can be the true keys to a lasting relationship.

For the most part, I think this is a solid, common sense truth (although I’m sure he backed it up with more than common sense, based on his Ph.D. and all). Passion and attraction are good, but in a long-term relationship, there inevitably are going to be times when those things fade, at least temporarily, and what you’re left with is a life partnership. My sister swears that a huge part of why she and her husband are so happy together is because they have incredibly similar tastes in food, so they're always on the same page when it comes to meals. I mean, you eat at least three times a day so if you’re planning on spending the next 50 or so years with someone, that’s a lot of potential meals together. She has a point.

On the other hand, my best friend and I have shared interests (magazines, amusement parks, movies geared towards teenagers) and life goals (make friends with people who own boats), but we won’t be exchanging promise rings any time soon. There’s gotta be a little romance and good sex in the equation. So, all we really need is maybe like, some compatibility and some passion and attraction, right? Yeah! But OK, if those things were so easy to get, wouldn’t we already have them?*

*Yes, that is a Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion joke. If you knew and laughed, we are probably compatible enough for a long-term relationship.

How compatible are you and your guy? Do you agree that compatibility is the secret to a successful long-term relationship? Or do you have a different key to relationship happiness?

Have you Ever Flirted for a Freebie?

This is not my proudest moment. I'm not one to shake my a** to get a free drink at the bar; I'm not even a good flirt (I never really got the "hair toss" down.) But apparently, I'll use my feminine wiles to try and save a hundred bucks.

I recently bought a car, and anyone who knows NYC knows that parking in this fine city is a pain.The only way to deal with being a full-time, car-owning resident whose life doesn't revolve around parking rules is to rent a spot in a garage. And garages are expensive! Last week I called around to find one that wouldn't cost more than most people's rent (trickier than you might think!), and many of the people I spoke to said it would be better to negotiate in person. So I did what I rarely, if ever, do: I slipped into a tight pair of jeans, propped up my boobs, put on makeup and turned on the charm—all in order to save some cash.

It worked. Kinda. I didn't save a hundred bucks, but I was able to soften the stern and not-so-friendly manager into cutting me a deal. On the phone, he mentioned that there was a waiting list and that most likely he wouldn't have anything for me. Then I showed up and he changed his story. Safe to say, I walked away with a space, but I felt a little strange. Part of me knows this dynamic is just the way of the world, but another part of me felt gross for manipulating the situation by acting "girly."

What do you think?