Would You Tattle on a Cheater If Your Friend Was the One Cheating?

In recent years, I've determined that there are times when it's appropriate to stick my nose into someone else's relationship and times to keep mum. Knowing when to do it is the difficult part. So say, for argument's sake, I had a really good friend who was cheating on his serious girlfriend. Do I say something or not? (P.S. I need your help).

Here's the situation:

I have a friend who has been with his girlfriend for two years. He's always going on about how he's going to marry her someday and blah, blah, blah. The "blah, blah, blah" is because while he's gushing about her being the best thing ever, he's also been cheating on her. It's never with the same girl, and sometimes it's only hardcore flirting, but the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable.

The thing is, I'm not close to his girlfriend at all. My allegiances are with him, and his friendship is important to me. Is it worth sitting him down and telling him how uncomfortable I am or that I'm considering telling her? If I do, I assume he'll tell me he's not cheating anymore and then make sure I never find out in the future. Or do I go behind his back and tell his girl? That seems deceitful, and I don't think I could live with myself. I guess I could also just let the relationship play out, but then I feel like I'm in on it and guilty by association.

What do you guys think? You all had such amazing advice about prenups (just last night my best friend Madhu said how impressed she was with your comments), I was hoping to turn the tables this time and be the one to ask for advice.

What Does Romantic Closure Mean to You?

Smitten blogger Gena asked what romantic closure was a few days ago, albeit more obliquely. Here's what closure means to me:

There was this show called Kingpin in 2003 that my mom, sisters and I really liked. It only ran for one season on NBC, and it was about this Mexican drug lord and his flunkies and his erratic blonde wife. Clearly they were trying to channel a Casino thing. Bobby Canavale was in it. Whatever. Anyway, like all those other one-season shows that are canceled prematurely, a cult fanbase develops around this show and demands a movie, except all of the actors have moved on by now, and there's so much hype that the movie could never live up to everyone's expectations, and--point being, closure! We all need closure!

But back to relationship closure. Even though I'm not guilty of opening old cans of worms there, I think I do have a habit of poking holes in the top of the can and looking in from time to time. When I do, I'm all like, "EWW! AND YET, I MISS THOSE WORMS, NO I DON'T, YES I DO?" And then I poke the worms and run away. Does that make sense? To clarify, I'm not talking about getting over a guy I went on a few dates with--all that really takes is hot yoga and a jalapeno margarita. Unfortunately, what I'm referring to is slightly more complicated, exacerbated by coincidental encounters and my unfortunate proclivity to drunk text. (I know.)

On the bright side, we learn stuff from poking the worms. But ugh, it still sucks. But like, a Kingpin movie would very likely double-suck, so it's a Catch-22. If lead actor Yancey Arias happens to be reading this: I am rooting for you. Maybe you should consider breaking your pattern and trying out for some comedies.

The DOs and DON'Ts of Dating an Older Man

Are you dating an older fellow or thinking about dipping your toes into that more mature water? Well, my dears, you’ve come to the right place. I’m dating an older man, you know. Oh yes, it’s quite thrilling. I’m an expert on the topic. Okay, fine, J is only four years my senior. But I’ve been watching New Girl and compiled a list of DOs and DON’Ts from Jess’s experience dating the sophisticated Dermot Mulroney as Fancypants, who’s a whopping twelve years older. And I’ve added a couple of my own tips for good measure, since I am the younger woman and all.


DO learn from your man who’s been there before you. J plays the “when I was your age” card quite a bit and I’d get annoyed if he wasn’t right and offering me such good advice.

DON’T point out how “cute” his first grey chest hair is (OOPS). Or, in Jess’s (Zooey Deschanel's character, for those of you who aren't fans yet) case, don’t ask about his health: "How's your prostate? We do have to be careful. Our bodies are decaying."

DO relish in the fact that guys get better looking with age, but you’ll always be the hot, younger girlfriend.

DON’T complain about turning “halfway to 50” when he’s “one year ‘til 30”. Or, you know, some version of whining about your age.

DO let him be the man. With age (often) comes maturity and chivalry—take advantage! Cece even tells Jess as she’s first considering dating Russell (the one and only Fancypants) that “he intimidates you because you wouldn’t have to take care of him, he’d take care of you.”

DON’T make your man feel older than he actually is (or date yourself). Russell confesses he hasn’t dated since 1989 and Jess replies, “That was the year I learned to use the toaster by myself.” Not so hot.

DO be lovey dovey, but DON’T nickname him something based on his age (Fancypants is cool, though). Does any man really like to be called your Sexy Silver Fox? Although, I call J “Kid” in this super-cute, ironic way. I think he likes it.

DON’T always assume the guy is just in it to “hit it and quit it”. Yes, there are guys who want to date you simply because you’re young, fresh meat, but that doesn’t mean all older men are just looking for a good time or notch on their belt.

DO be yourself. Whether that’s a mature twenty-something, an immature thirty-something, or a quirky lady living with three dudes like Jess. Or a 24-year-old girl from New Jersey who happens to blog about her relationship. You know.

DON’T use childhood/pop culture references that he will never get. During one scene, Nick (who else has a major crush on him??) starts talking to a girl in college who, he realizes, “doesn’t know what Saved By The Bell is.” For your date with an older gent: as cool as it is, not everyone needs to know that you were part of an ‘NSYNC fan club (cough cough). But, seriously, if they ever do a reunion tour J is SO coming with me.

DO treat the relationship the same as you would with a guy your own age. There’s already enough pressure when it comes to dating, why add more stress and think about the age thing if you really like this dude? Just go with the flow.

Read More http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/03/the-dos-and-donts-of-dating-an.html#ixzz1rMxab279

In Honor of Mad Men, Have You Ever Done A Sexytime Dance for a Dude? To What Song?

The new Ms. Draper's salacious choice of Gillian Hills' "Zou Bisou Bisou" in Mad Men's Season 5 premiere was a good one, but what's yours?

By now we all know about Megan's yé-yé serenade faux pas at Don's surprise party, right? Equal parts bold, sexy, awkward, French, Canadian, French-Canadian, her performance was largely ill-received (other than giving weed-addled Harry Crane a chubby).

Personally, aside from the occasional unfortunate grinding incident at some of New York's dirtiest dance venues in days of yore, I've never seductively shimmied in anyone's direction one-on-one. I will admit that I once broke my shower curtain while doing a drunken striptease to this, but fortunately I was alone at the time. (Unfortunately, this meant it took like a week to get a guy friend to come and fix my shower curtain. How Liz Lemon of me.)

To avoid following my example, study the greats. For instance, here's Vanessa Ferlito getting all up on Bill Pullman in Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof, which is basically the best lap dance I've ever seen:

If you like huskies as much as I do, it'd be even better if you splayed in a chair and had a bucket of Cheez Whiz splashed all over you a la Flashdance. (I just grossed myself out there.)

6 Ways to Get Excited About Dating Again After a Breakup

We’ve talked a lot about the past this week on Smitten: breaking ties with our exes and getting closure. Talking about making progress is the same thing as actually making progress, right? Great. Now let’s talk about facing our dating future.

Now that I’m past the breakup misery stage, and I’ve had lots of time to myself, I’ve been struggling with how to psych myself up for getting back in the dating game for real, not just aimlessly lurking on Match.com or spending weekends with sexy foreigners I'll probably never see again. I finally moved out of my hometown (and my parents' house, which let’s be honest, was a real ladyboner-killer for dating) and I’m getting my professional life a little more in order, so I’ve been thinking that it’s time to start thinking about getting my love life back in order as well.

But ugh, you guys! Dating, am I right? It’s expensive and exhausting, and when it’s not going well, it’s so disheartening. Not to mention that after my nasty breakup, I've got a big old chip on my shoulder about how it might all end that makes me not want to even bother sometimes. However, I don't want to be single forever. It can be great, of course, and I don't mind enjoying the single life, but I do aspire to be part of a twosome at some point in my future. That means I've got to start dating sometime.

Here are some of things I do to try to psych myself back up and keep my enthusiasm at an appropriate level:

Break out of patterns. Just changing up my routine, like going to a different coffee shop to work, gets me all excited about trying new things. And dating/new relationships are all about the new and different.

Do some shallow self-confidence boosting. Little things like a cute haircut or a great new lipstick make me feel sexy and ready to go out and meet men.

Do some serious self-confidence boosting. Spending time with my family, the people who love me most in the world, and making a career change have both been game-changers in my self-confidence. Feeling truly good about myself, not just like I look nice, is essential for me before putting myself out there for dating.

Go out and have fun...but limit the drinking. Obviously, nothing really gets a girl back into going out like actually going out. It's fun, remember? I am working on toning it down a bit though, because that fourth glass of red that I really didn't need can be all the difference between an upbeat, cheerful night and a session of sobbing in bed that no one will ever love me again.

Keep expectations low. It helps to think of a night out or a first date as exactly what it is: just a few hours of time, not necessarily a life changing event. Plus even if it's a disaster, I may get good blogging material out of it. That may not be a universal inspiration.

But not too low. Sometimes when I'm eager to get the dating ball rolling, I'm tempted to say yes to the first guy who comes along just to get back in the game, even if I'm not super into it. That never ends well. I can't be so anxious to be dating that I sacrifice chemistry and connection. It keeps my spirits up if I remember that I'm fine with being single until the right guy comes along.

Spend time with happy (but not annoying) couples. Hanging out with couples that I love together reminds me that successful relationships are possible and totally worth the occasional trauma of dating.

So those are the things that are working for me. Kind of. I'm still pretty hesitant but it's getting better every day. I'd love to hear your tips and advice!

A Website for Date Ideas That Will be Awesome in About a Month

Ever hear of PearHaven.com? Yeah, me neither. Apparently, it’s a new website dedicated to people who are dating or in relationships. Pears as in pairs. Get it?

Pearhaven.com's objective is a good one. You can browse date ideas that other couples have submitted, build your own with ideas the site gives and get DEALS. Who doesn’t love a deal?

I tried out the Date Wizard to see what it was all about. But instead of putting NYC as my location (too easy), I looked for ideas near my hometown of Croton on Hudson, N.Y. After choosing dinner and a gun range and getting a “Sorry, but we couldn't find anything that would make a good date. Would you like to start over?” I decided to make it easy on them and ask for a movie and coffee. It gave me a few ideas, but there doesn’t seem to be a lot to it just yet. No mind-blowing date ideas that I couldn’t come up with myself, but I’m assuming the more people who sign up, the better it will be. Users submit “pointers” about places and the search engine shows maps and ratings. But perhaps because the site is so new and membership is still low, there's not that many results to share.

I'll be back.

Would you use a site like this to discover new things to do on dates? Do you struggle with coming up with new date ideas? Do you think this site will be popular?

Dubliners Take Home "Ireland's Most Unromantic Man" Awards

Despite what P.S. I Love You might have you believe, men in the Irish capital seem to be lacking in the romance department. (Yes, I have referenced that movie twice this week.)

Does the charming accent make them worth it? You decide.

The search is on overseas for Ireland's Most Unromantic Man, the winner of which will receive a free romantic trip with his lady, and Dubliners are seriously dominating the shortlist over at the contest's website. It's not hard to see why: here are some of the doozies, as reported in Irish paper The Herald.

    Valentine's Day escapades: One local guy bought his girlfriend gym equipment as a gift to help with her "fat belly." (She says: "I just wanted to kill him. But actually after that I lost five kilos and feel much better now.")

    Yet another printed off a Tesco (like our ShopRite) Value range Valentine's card after she took him out for a romantic meal. And another one went to a club on February 14th and left her alone with their two kids.

    Another Dubliner was driving his wife, who had a broken ankle, to the hospital when he realized he'd forgotten his phone--so he left her at a bus stop.

    And finally, one woman's 13-year partner's idea of a romantic gift is a bag of chips, a beer and a night boat to England--during which he sleeps in a cabin bed and she sleeps on a hard chair.

On the bright side, this makes our run of the mill ol' U.S.A. guys look like total Casanovas, doesn't it? Or, uh, most of them. (Also, we'd still love to get lucky with these sexy Irish celebs.

Pros and Cons of a Rebound Relationship (AKA What a Dating Blogger Thinks of During Basketball Season) In honor of March Madness, let’s talk about rebounds. Because that’s a basketball thing, right? Whatever, basketball's not really my cup of tea (although Ohio State is, so let's all root for the Buckeyes this weekend, mmmkay?)

In honor of March Madness, let’s talk about rebounds. Because that’s a basketball thing, right? Whatever, basketball's not really my cup of tea (although Ohio State is, so let's all root for the Buckeyes this weekend, mmmkay?)

Yesterday we talked a little about dating after a breakup, and a few commenters wisely stressed the importance of a dating detox. I agree that giving yourself a break can be therapeutic in the healing process, but taking the other approach and rebounding into a new relationship can't be all bad, right? I mean, my girl-crush Katy Perry seems like she's having fun with that hot model guy she's supposedly dating.

Let's consider some of the advantages and disadvantages of the rebound relationship:

Pro: You aren’t sitting at home moping, which is boring. Related: This also means you aren't numbing your pain with an endless supply of French bread pizzas. No breakup weight gain here!

Con: You’re avoiding dealing with your sadness, and all that repression might lead to a breakdown of epic proportions later, similar to this concept:

Con: Jumping into a relationship too quickly can end up making you feel worse later when you might realize you barely even like the guy, you were just blinded by the sex and/or not wanting to be alone.

Pro: Suck it ex-boyfriend! Your new guy is hotter and smarter and totally better in bed (or at least that's what you're telling all your mutual friends).

Con: You're possibly just dating a guy who reminds you of your ex. What you really need to be doing is breaking your cycle of making the same mistakes all over again.

Now There's an Online Dating Site for Doomsday Preppers? Would You Join a Niche Dating Site?

When canning venison and whittling an arrow are skills you’re looking for in a man, it can make dating exponentially harder than it already is. But now there’s SurvivalistSingles.com, an online dating site for those who are prepping for “Doomsday.” Its slogan? “Don’t face the future alone.”

While members differ on what will bring about "TEOTWAWKI" (The end of the world as we know it), the objective is similar: finding someone who won’t look at you cockeyed when you trade in your car for milking cows.

According to this CNN article, one member says, "It's hard to connect with someone who doesn't have a similar mindset. You can't explain why your truck is packed like you're always ready for an expedition--they don't get it," he said. "But when you meet another survivalist, you start talking about all this stuff and the women look at you like you have a million dollars in the bank."

OK, so I might have had six or so months where the “end of the world” took up some valuable brain space. I did (and still do) worry about peak oil, food shortages and overpopulation, but I don’t have a bunker (or even an extra set of AA batteries for my vibrator) so it’s safe to say I will never be fit to find love on Survivalist Singles.

Still, what they say is true, there really is a lid for every pot—er, arrow for every bow.

Birth Control is Wreaking Havoc on my Sex Life

We happen to know there's one really confused guy out there who thinks women use birth control in their ongoing efforts to be 'sluts', but the truth is many women use birth control to keep their sex lives healthy and active. Here's the thing: I've been on one type or another for over six years at this point, and I've found that sometimes, birth control (or rather, the side effects of some forms of birth control) can negatively affect a relationship. So what's a responsible, sexually active woman to do?
Mood swings, weight gain, decreased sex drive and health warnings: the possible side effects that come along with some types of birth control can take a toll on you and your partner. Some women on hormonal birth control (especially those on the pill) even feel the effects of female sexual dysfunction, which could mean low libido, difficulty with orgasm and vaginal dryness.

But the negative effects don’t stop there. A recent study Gena wrote about last week even found that “participants who used hormonal contraceptives were less attracted to their partners when they first met, and less sexually satisfied during their relationship than were individuals who did not use hormonal birth control.” In Gena’s words: Yikes!

I’ve been on three different types of birth control (after condoms) in my two-and-a-half year relationship with J and am questioning a switch because of the side effects I’ve noticed (which caused the prior BC switches). Mood swings and a lower sex drive have been the two side effects coming back to haunt me with each new pill I try. And, if we’re being honest, there was that entire month of spotting. I was on birth control so I could have sex with my boyfriend, but the pill I was on caused me to spot, which prevented me from having sex. Give me a break! (Oh, and as a Smitten blogger, I kind of HAVE to be having sex, you guys!) Now I’m on NuvaRing. So it’s not actually a pill, but J and I have had some issues with it. I can’t feel it inside me at all, but J certainly can. According to him, sometimes it feels good and adds the perfect amount of friction. But, sometimes, well, there's a little TOO much friction and does not feel so good to Little J.

Sure, there’s that whole avoiding unwanted pregnancy thing but, personally, I don’t know how long I can stand taking birth control that makes me feel less, well, like ME.

And J has noticed, too. “Some of the birth control you were on in the beginning of our relationship made you a complete cranky, crazy person. And there was always a shortage of chocolate (ha). But I know that it screws with your body, so I always dismissed it. And luckily you've had the wisdom to know that it was messing with you and would always apologize. Of course, if nothing works I would concede and wrap it up… but it wouldn't be my preferred option.”

One of my girlfriends experienced similar mood swings on her birth control: "The moods. The moods were NOT good. I was taking things out on the people I loved. I'm on a new pill now and have been for about a year and I'm happy. While I think birth control in general does alter my mood and make me someone I'm not incredibly happy to be, it has its positives AND negatives on a relationship. Obviously the negative would be that it does alter my mood, the positive would be that I am a totally anxious freak of nature and it is nice to have that piece of mind that I will not be on the next episode of Teen Mom (even though I'm 24...awkward)."

It’s not just us, though. Another girlfriend, Amanda, completely stopped taking the pill she was on because she was feeling so miserable. “I felt severely depressed around my periods and rarely ever had any highs. I wasn't my fun-loving, outgoing self—usually off the wall, always high energy and happy. People talk about how crazy hormones are. Throw some birth control into the mix to mess with them and who knows what will happen.” After a long talk with her boyfriend, they decided she would stop taking the pill and he would start buying condoms again. She felt better (normal again!) almost instantly.

The condom route worked for them, but let’s be honest, a lot of guys want to avoid going back to rubbers when they’re in a committed relationship. My friend, Pat, gave me his honest opinion (and I think A LOT of guys would agree with him):

“The idea of going back to using condoms is so uncontrollably frightening, I shutter at the idea of a girlfriend coming off the pill indefinitely. I'm so against using condoms that I'll turn an otherwise casual relationship into a monogamous, committed thing (if even only for three dates) JUST so that I don't have to wrap it up. And a girlfriend gaining a couple extra pounds is becoming more and more enticing to me as I get older, so that's a plus. All that being said, my first priority as a boyfriend (especially with the ones I've cared about) is the well being of my partner, and so it's about her first. In a perfect world, we've tried and tried to find the right pill for her. Not something that's tolerable, but something that's right for her. Knock on wood, every girlfriend I've had has EVENTUALLY found the right pill.”

It’s a trial and error thing for many couples. I mean, condoms are a last resort for J and me, so back to the doctor I go on my search for the right birth control (hormone-free, perhaps). Maybe I should start looking for Magic Pill #4 so J can say sayonara to crazypants girlfriend and I can just feel like myself again.

Does your birth control negatively affect your relationship? How have you and your boyfriend handled it? Would he go back to using condoms for the sake of your relationship - or are you on the ongoing search for the perfect pill?



Read More http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/04/is-your-birth-control-negative.html#ixzz1rLkWR7ok