Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn love and romance. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng
Hiển thị các bài đăng có nhãn love and romance. Hiển thị tất cả bài đăng

Thứ Bảy, 7 tháng 4, 2012

How Romantic Tearjerkers Actually Make us Happier



Apparently, watching sappy tragedies make us grateful for what we have! Congratulations, you are now allowed to watch P.S. I Love You somewhere other than on a plane.

I believe it was renowned scientist Celine Dion who first discovered autocardio-continuity, and she was right: Our hearts will go on and on.

According to a study out of The Ohio State University, reported by Science Daily, tragic movies make us think about our closest relationships and bring attention to the positivity in our lives. Interestingly, it was those viewers who actually thought about their loved ones who experienced an increase in post-weepy-movie happiness; meanwhile, those who approached it from a self-involved angle (e.g. "My life is so much better than these characters' lives") did not feel happier afterward.

The lead author of the study, Silvia Knobloch-Westerwick, ties her results in with prior research that has suggested that negative moods make people more thoughtful and introspective, whereas "positive emotions are generally a signal that everything is fine, you don't have to worry, you don't have to think about issues in your life."

The results were determined by sitting down 361 college students at a screening of Atonement, the 2007 wartime romantic tragedy with Keira Knightley. They were asked to rank their happiness before, after and three times during the film, and many participants reported that it let them to reflect on and appreciate their relationships and goals.

To be honest, I'd love to see a study like this done along gender lines--as in, how many dudes wept and reflected on tragic war casualties Cecilia and Robbie? And are they single? And are they husky? Are they all in Ohio? (If so, Gena, get on that!)

And the Cities That Value Sex the Most (and Least) Are...Did Your City Make the List?



L.A. and NYC have a bit of a long-standing rivalry, which honestly I don’t understand because they're both awesome in different ways. Like avocados and pork buns—how can you expect us to choose? But in terms of which cities with the highest concentration of singles who think sex is vital to a relationship? The winner is clear…

Chemistry.com conducted a survey of 10 million people and discovered that certain geographical locations valued sex over others. Who woulda thunk it's as simple as where you live? And why am I not surprised that the home of scantily-clad beach babes topped the list? Check out the rankings below.

Dr. Helen Fisher, Chemistry.com's chief scientific adviser, divulged her reasoning for the rankings (and it's not as simple as rollerblades and bikini tops!). Because the question was part of a larger test, she was able to further break down the statistics like this:

“When it comes to cities that value sex the least, Builders dominate in these cities and are likely to be more expressive of the serotonin system in the brain. Elevated serotonin can dramatically reduce one’s sex drive and sexual response. This is why serotonin-boosting anti-depressants (like Paxil and Zoloft) regularly jeopardize, even kill, sexual interest. These drugs flood the brain with serotonin.

On the other hand, I am not surprised that Explorers top the list. Explorers are likely to be more expressive of the dopamine system of the brain. And dopamine triggers the production of testosterone-the hormone of sexual desire in both men and women. . Explorers also like novelty, excitement and the pleasures of the senses. So for them, sex has it all.

Lastly, Negotiators came in second on the list of members who value sex the most in relationships. Negotiators believe romance is essential to a partnership. So these men and women devote real time to cultivating romance-bringing home thoughtful gifts to their mate, leaving love notes when heading out of town, making special phone calls to keep in touch, or orchestrating a surprise weekend get- away. They keep the intimacy alive with imaginative daily acts and sex is part of this.”

So much for everything I learned from Sex and the City. Good thing Hoboken, N.J. is just a short train ride away...

Would You Tattle on a Cheater If Your Friend Was the One Cheating?



In recent years, I've determined that there are times when it's appropriate to stick my nose into someone else's relationship and times to keep mum. Knowing when to do it is the difficult part. So say, for argument's sake, I had a really good friend who was cheating on his serious girlfriend. Do I say something or not? (P.S. I need your help).

Here's the situation:

I have a friend who has been with his girlfriend for two years. He's always going on about how he's going to marry her someday and blah, blah, blah. The "blah, blah, blah" is because while he's gushing about her being the best thing ever, he's also been cheating on her. It's never with the same girl, and sometimes it's only hardcore flirting, but the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable.

The thing is, I'm not close to his girlfriend at all. My allegiances are with him, and his friendship is important to me. Is it worth sitting him down and telling him how uncomfortable I am or that I'm considering telling her? If I do, I assume he'll tell me he's not cheating anymore and then make sure I never find out in the future. Or do I go behind his back and tell his girl? That seems deceitful, and I don't think I could live with myself. I guess I could also just let the relationship play out, but then I feel like I'm in on it and guilty by association.

What do you guys think? You all had such amazing advice about prenups (just last night my best friend Madhu said how impressed she was with your comments), I was hoping to turn the tables this time and be the one to ask for advice.

What Does Romantic Closure Mean to You?


Smitten blogger Gena asked what romantic closure was a few days ago, albeit more obliquely. Here's what closure means to me:

There was this show called Kingpin in 2003 that my mom, sisters and I really liked. It only ran for one season on NBC, and it was about this Mexican drug lord and his flunkies and his erratic blonde wife. Clearly they were trying to channel a Casino thing. Bobby Canavale was in it. Whatever. Anyway, like all those other one-season shows that are canceled prematurely, a cult fanbase develops around this show and demands a movie, except all of the actors have moved on by now, and there's so much hype that the movie could never live up to everyone's expectations, and--point being, closure! We all need closure!

But back to relationship closure. Even though I'm not guilty of opening old cans of worms there, I think I do have a habit of poking holes in the top of the can and looking in from time to time. When I do, I'm all like, "EWW! AND YET, I MISS THOSE WORMS, NO I DON'T, YES I DO?" And then I poke the worms and run away. Does that make sense? To clarify, I'm not talking about getting over a guy I went on a few dates with--all that really takes is hot yoga and a jalapeno margarita. Unfortunately, what I'm referring to is slightly more complicated, exacerbated by coincidental encounters and my unfortunate proclivity to drunk text. (I know.)

On the bright side, we learn stuff from poking the worms. But ugh, it still sucks. But like, a Kingpin movie would very likely double-suck, so it's a Catch-22. If lead actor Yancey Arias happens to be reading this: I am rooting for you. Maybe you should consider breaking your pattern and trying out for some comedies.

The DOs and DON'Ts of Dating an Older Man



Are you dating an older fellow or thinking about dipping your toes into that more mature water? Well, my dears, you’ve come to the right place. I’m dating an older man, you know. Oh yes, it’s quite thrilling. I’m an expert on the topic. Okay, fine, J is only four years my senior. But I’ve been watching New Girl and compiled a list of DOs and DON’Ts from Jess’s experience dating the sophisticated Dermot Mulroney as Fancypants, who’s a whopping twelve years older. And I’ve added a couple of my own tips for good measure, since I am the younger woman and all.


DO learn from your man who’s been there before you. J plays the “when I was your age” card quite a bit and I’d get annoyed if he wasn’t right and offering me such good advice.

DON’T point out how “cute” his first grey chest hair is (OOPS). Or, in Jess’s (Zooey Deschanel's character, for those of you who aren't fans yet) case, don’t ask about his health: "How's your prostate? We do have to be careful. Our bodies are decaying."

DO relish in the fact that guys get better looking with age, but you’ll always be the hot, younger girlfriend.

DON’T complain about turning “halfway to 50” when he’s “one year ‘til 30”. Or, you know, some version of whining about your age.

DO let him be the man. With age (often) comes maturity and chivalry—take advantage! Cece even tells Jess as she’s first considering dating Russell (the one and only Fancypants) that “he intimidates you because you wouldn’t have to take care of him, he’d take care of you.”

DON’T make your man feel older than he actually is (or date yourself). Russell confesses he hasn’t dated since 1989 and Jess replies, “That was the year I learned to use the toaster by myself.” Not so hot.

DO be lovey dovey, but DON’T nickname him something based on his age (Fancypants is cool, though). Does any man really like to be called your Sexy Silver Fox? Although, I call J “Kid” in this super-cute, ironic way. I think he likes it.

DON’T always assume the guy is just in it to “hit it and quit it”. Yes, there are guys who want to date you simply because you’re young, fresh meat, but that doesn’t mean all older men are just looking for a good time or notch on their belt.

DO be yourself. Whether that’s a mature twenty-something, an immature thirty-something, or a quirky lady living with three dudes like Jess. Or a 24-year-old girl from New Jersey who happens to blog about her relationship. You know.

DON’T use childhood/pop culture references that he will never get. During one scene, Nick (who else has a major crush on him??) starts talking to a girl in college who, he realizes, “doesn’t know what Saved By The Bell is.” For your date with an older gent: as cool as it is, not everyone needs to know that you were part of an ‘NSYNC fan club (cough cough). But, seriously, if they ever do a reunion tour J is SO coming with me.

DO treat the relationship the same as you would with a guy your own age. There’s already enough pressure when it comes to dating, why add more stress and think about the age thing if you really like this dude? Just go with the flow.

Read More http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/03/the-dos-and-donts-of-dating-an.html#ixzz1rMxab279

In Honor of Mad Men, Have You Ever Done A Sexytime Dance for a Dude? To What Song?



The new Ms. Draper's salacious choice of Gillian Hills' "Zou Bisou Bisou" in Mad Men's Season 5 premiere was a good one, but what's yours?

By now we all know about Megan's yé-yé serenade faux pas at Don's surprise party, right? Equal parts bold, sexy, awkward, French, Canadian, French-Canadian, her performance was largely ill-received (other than giving weed-addled Harry Crane a chubby).

Personally, aside from the occasional unfortunate grinding incident at some of New York's dirtiest dance venues in days of yore, I've never seductively shimmied in anyone's direction one-on-one. I will admit that I once broke my shower curtain while doing a drunken striptease to this, but fortunately I was alone at the time. (Unfortunately, this meant it took like a week to get a guy friend to come and fix my shower curtain. How Liz Lemon of me.)

To avoid following my example, study the greats. For instance, here's Vanessa Ferlito getting all up on Bill Pullman in Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof, which is basically the best lap dance I've ever seen:

If you like huskies as much as I do, it'd be even better if you splayed in a chair and had a bucket of Cheez Whiz splashed all over you a la Flashdance. (I just grossed myself out there.)

6 Ways to Get Excited About Dating Again After a Breakup



We’ve talked a lot about the past this week on Smitten: breaking ties with our exes and getting closure. Talking about making progress is the same thing as actually making progress, right? Great. Now let’s talk about facing our dating future.

Now that I’m past the breakup misery stage, and I’ve had lots of time to myself, I’ve been struggling with how to psych myself up for getting back in the dating game for real, not just aimlessly lurking on Match.com or spending weekends with sexy foreigners I'll probably never see again. I finally moved out of my hometown (and my parents' house, which let’s be honest, was a real ladyboner-killer for dating) and I’m getting my professional life a little more in order, so I’ve been thinking that it’s time to start thinking about getting my love life back in order as well.

But ugh, you guys! Dating, am I right? It’s expensive and exhausting, and when it’s not going well, it’s so disheartening. Not to mention that after my nasty breakup, I've got a big old chip on my shoulder about how it might all end that makes me not want to even bother sometimes. However, I don't want to be single forever. It can be great, of course, and I don't mind enjoying the single life, but I do aspire to be part of a twosome at some point in my future. That means I've got to start dating sometime.

Here are some of things I do to try to psych myself back up and keep my enthusiasm at an appropriate level:

Break out of patterns. Just changing up my routine, like going to a different coffee shop to work, gets me all excited about trying new things. And dating/new relationships are all about the new and different.

Do some shallow self-confidence boosting. Little things like a cute haircut or a great new lipstick make me feel sexy and ready to go out and meet men.

Do some serious self-confidence boosting. Spending time with my family, the people who love me most in the world, and making a career change have both been game-changers in my self-confidence. Feeling truly good about myself, not just like I look nice, is essential for me before putting myself out there for dating.

Go out and have fun...but limit the drinking. Obviously, nothing really gets a girl back into going out like actually going out. It's fun, remember? I am working on toning it down a bit though, because that fourth glass of red that I really didn't need can be all the difference between an upbeat, cheerful night and a session of sobbing in bed that no one will ever love me again.

Keep expectations low. It helps to think of a night out or a first date as exactly what it is: just a few hours of time, not necessarily a life changing event. Plus even if it's a disaster, I may get good blogging material out of it. That may not be a universal inspiration.

But not too low. Sometimes when I'm eager to get the dating ball rolling, I'm tempted to say yes to the first guy who comes along just to get back in the game, even if I'm not super into it. That never ends well. I can't be so anxious to be dating that I sacrifice chemistry and connection. It keeps my spirits up if I remember that I'm fine with being single until the right guy comes along.

Spend time with happy (but not annoying) couples. Hanging out with couples that I love together reminds me that successful relationships are possible and totally worth the occasional trauma of dating.

So those are the things that are working for me. Kind of. I'm still pretty hesitant but it's getting better every day. I'd love to hear your tips and advice!

A Website for Date Ideas That Will be Awesome in About a Month



Ever hear of PearHaven.com? Yeah, me neither. Apparently, it’s a new website dedicated to people who are dating or in relationships. Pears as in pairs. Get it?

Pearhaven.com's objective is a good one. You can browse date ideas that other couples have submitted, build your own with ideas the site gives and get DEALS. Who doesn’t love a deal?

I tried out the Date Wizard to see what it was all about. But instead of putting NYC as my location (too easy), I looked for ideas near my hometown of Croton on Hudson, N.Y. After choosing dinner and a gun range and getting a “Sorry, but we couldn't find anything that would make a good date. Would you like to start over?” I decided to make it easy on them and ask for a movie and coffee. It gave me a few ideas, but there doesn’t seem to be a lot to it just yet. No mind-blowing date ideas that I couldn’t come up with myself, but I’m assuming the more people who sign up, the better it will be. Users submit “pointers” about places and the search engine shows maps and ratings. But perhaps because the site is so new and membership is still low, there's not that many results to share.

I'll be back.

Would you use a site like this to discover new things to do on dates? Do you struggle with coming up with new date ideas? Do you think this site will be popular?

Oral Sex Tip From a Guy Friend: The Bad Boys 2 of Blow Jobs



Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where the classic oral sex "spitting or swallowing" dilemma feels like it's for amateurs? If you've ever watched, um, entertainment of the adult variety, you know that there's a third (and most taboo) option: a guy "finishing" on someone's face is a go-to porn move. Which, granted, many women would understandably find degrading.

But the question is, if you (the gal) are comfortable with the idea, ambivalent and open to either, does the average guy prefer swallowing or a "facial"? I asked my friend Ben, who is pretty average. (Sorry, Ben.)

Let's talk blow job endgames for a second.
Sure, that's my favorite kind of game.

So how does the average Joe feel about finishing on a lady's face?
Oh, man. If sex moves were movies, that would be like Bad Boys 2. It's awesome, it's action-packed, it's shameless... That's a once-in-awhile thing. I've only done it like twice in my entire life. It's fun, but not for every day.

How does it compare to swallowing?
There's no mess, there's no clean-up, it's still totally sexy and it's classier than the other thing. It feels amazing. It's practical, and we feel like you're really into it when you do that, which is always good. Guys hate feeling like girls are grossed out by us.

Dubliners Take Home "Ireland's Most Unromantic Man" Awards



Despite what P.S. I Love You might have you believe, men in the Irish capital seem to be lacking in the romance department. (Yes, I have referenced that movie twice this week.)

Does the charming accent make them worth it? You decide.

The search is on overseas for Ireland's Most Unromantic Man, the winner of which will receive a free romantic trip with his lady, and Dubliners are seriously dominating the shortlist over at the contest's website. It's not hard to see why: here are some of the doozies, as reported in Irish paper The Herald.

    Valentine's Day escapades: One local guy bought his girlfriend gym equipment as a gift to help with her "fat belly." (She says: "I just wanted to kill him. But actually after that I lost five kilos and feel much better now.")

    Yet another printed off a Tesco (like our ShopRite) Value range Valentine's card after she took him out for a romantic meal. And another one went to a club on February 14th and left her alone with their two kids.

    Another Dubliner was driving his wife, who had a broken ankle, to the hospital when he realized he'd forgotten his phone--so he left her at a bus stop.

    And finally, one woman's 13-year partner's idea of a romantic gift is a bag of chips, a beer and a night boat to England--during which he sleeps in a cabin bed and she sleeps on a hard chair.

On the bright side, this makes our run of the mill ol' U.S.A. guys look like total Casanovas, doesn't it? Or, uh, most of them. (Also, we'd still love to get lucky with these sexy Irish celebs.

7 Good Reasons to Date a Short Guy



Don’t blow a guy off just because he’s a shorty.

1. “Handsome” doesn’t have a height requirement. Seriously, a good face and hot body looks just as good at 5’7” as it does at 6’3”.

2. Maybe you’re not a supermodel, but you’ll certainly get to feel like one when you go out with him in heels.

3. A short guy willing to go out with a girl who’s taller than he is is confident and probably ok with his girlfriend upstaging him. He’s not too hung up on appearance or machismo. This is a good quality to have in a boyfriend.

4. Uhm, you say Napoleon Complex like it’s a bad thing? Guys with Napoleon complexes are ambitious, capable and driven: they also have learned how to command respect through means other than appearance, all admirable traits. And as for Napoleon himself, well, you know he was sexy as hell, right?

5. And speaking of overcompensating: this is by no means scientific, but the general consensus from women seems to be that guys who don’t necessarily feel the most attractive will often work much harder in bed, whereas the Don Drapers of the world, who are used to being wanted and pursued by women, focus more on the act of receiving pleasure than giving it.

6. Being willing to date a shorter gentleman widely opens up your dating pool. Putting height requirements on your list of potential romantic partners simply means fewer potential bachelors.

7. The best reason to date a short guy is because you’re not a shallow, regressive woman who associates sexual and emotional compatibility with whether or not the guy is a few inches taller, and because you don’t equate your own femininity and sexuality with the notion of being shorter, weaker, than your protective mate. It’s 2012! You have higher (but not taller!) standards now.

Date the guy who makes you laugh, who likes the same stuff you do, who will be there for you, whether or not you have to bend down a little to kiss him. Once you fall in love, you’re not going to care.

Pros and Cons of a Rebound Relationship (AKA What a Dating Blogger Thinks of During Basketball Season) In honor of March Madness, let’s talk about rebounds. Because that’s a basketball thing, right? Whatever, basketball's not really my cup of tea (although Ohio State is, so let's all root for the Buckeyes this weekend, mmmkay?)

In honor of March Madness, let’s talk about rebounds. Because that’s a basketball thing, right? Whatever, basketball's not really my cup of tea (although Ohio State is, so let's all root for the Buckeyes this weekend, mmmkay?)


Yesterday we talked a little about dating after a breakup, and a few commenters wisely stressed the importance of a dating detox. I agree that giving yourself a break can be therapeutic in the healing process, but taking the other approach and rebounding into a new relationship can't be all bad, right? I mean, my girl-crush Katy Perry seems like she's having fun with that hot model guy she's supposedly dating.

Let's consider some of the advantages and disadvantages of the rebound relationship:

Pro: You aren’t sitting at home moping, which is boring. Related: This also means you aren't numbing your pain with an endless supply of French bread pizzas. No breakup weight gain here!

Con: You’re avoiding dealing with your sadness, and all that repression might lead to a breakdown of epic proportions later, similar to this concept:

Con: Jumping into a relationship too quickly can end up making you feel worse later when you might realize you barely even like the guy, you were just blinded by the sex and/or not wanting to be alone.

Pro: Suck it ex-boyfriend! Your new guy is hotter and smarter and totally better in bed (or at least that's what you're telling all your mutual friends).

Con: You're possibly just dating a guy who reminds you of your ex. What you really need to be doing is breaking your cycle of making the same mistakes all over again.

Now There's an Online Dating Site for Doomsday Preppers? Would You Join a Niche Dating Site?

When canning venison and whittling an arrow are skills you’re looking for in a man, it can make dating exponentially harder than it already is. But now there’s SurvivalistSingles.com, an online dating site for those who are prepping for “Doomsday.” Its slogan? “Don’t face the future alone.”








While members differ on what will bring about "TEOTWAWKI" (The end of the world as we know it), the objective is similar: finding someone who won’t look at you cockeyed when you trade in your car for milking cows.

According to this CNN article, one member says, "It's hard to connect with someone who doesn't have a similar mindset. You can't explain why your truck is packed like you're always ready for an expedition--they don't get it," he said. "But when you meet another survivalist, you start talking about all this stuff and the women look at you like you have a million dollars in the bank."

OK, so I might have had six or so months where the “end of the world” took up some valuable brain space. I did (and still do) worry about peak oil, food shortages and overpopulation, but I don’t have a bunker (or even an extra set of AA batteries for my vibrator) so it’s safe to say I will never be fit to find love on Survivalist Singles.

Still, what they say is true, there really is a lid for every pot—er, arrow for every bow.

Weekend Oral Sex Challenge: a Delicious Treat For Two


Former Smitten blogger Rosemary (if you're reading this, we miss you!) once wrote that she didn't think ice and sex went well together. But just wait until she sees what I'd like to do with an ice pop.

This weekend, pick up a brand of your favorite ice pops (personally, I think sugar-free is best in this scenario, or if you have the time, make your own). Then, one night after dinner, slip into something more, ahem, comfortable and ask your guy to accompany you to the kitchen for a late-night snack. Grab one ice pop from the freezer, slowly unwrap it and start sucking and licking it seductively while staring into his eyes.

At this point, he'll probably still be wondering where his treat is (patience, boy!). With your free hand, start undoing his pants and get down on your knees. (You may need a little help getting his drawers down, but I'm sure he'll be happy to assist.) But don't start pleasuring him just yet. Treat the ice pop like his member, sliding it in and out of your mouth and using your tongue to circle the tip. Chances are, he'll grow right before your eyes. When your mouth is good and cold, put your lips around his tip. It may chill him at first, but the sensation will be incredible. Alternate between sucking the ice pops and sucking him. Then, hand him the pop or set it aside to finish him off.

Now, if you ask me, fun with ice pops is very sexy.

If Oral Sex Isn't an Option, How About Aural Sex? (As in, Skype)



Do you consider 20 minutes of troubleshooting and dropped calls foreplay? Then this piece in the Swarthmore Phoenix, illuminating the joys of Skype sex, is for you.

Because most long-distance couples don't have a Friar Laurence (and what good did homeboy do, anyway?), video-chat or phone sex is often a handy remedy for the star-crossed boner. And with Skype, there's a whole added dimension of satisfaction in watching your partner (and being watched), as well as a lessening of pressure to do any fancy "voice acting" and just be yourself.

In addition, the article reports that you can also utilize remote-controlled vibrators (not just for military wives!) After a day of buildup via sexting or Gflirting, frankly, you might need all of this newfangled stuff to truly be satisfied.

One hitch--if you fail at technology, the prospect of utilizing Skype, etc. is somewhat daunting. I literally just figured out how to work an iPhone. But... it's the future, right?

Any Skype-sex-experienced girls out there want to give everyone else some tips?

Seriously, Guys: Here Are Your Hilarious April Fool’s Pickup Lines



We've got your April Fool's pickup lines right here:

I don’t know what it is about today, but I’m fooling in love with you.

Girl, you’re Fool’s gold. And I don’t ever want to know the real thing.

Guess what day it is? Let’s fool around. (I’m not joking.)

You’re cute. April Fool’s! You’re MINDBLOWINGLY SEXY.

That hipster dress is a joke. Better take it off.

You put the “oh oh” in “fool.”

It’s April Fool’s Day, and you look you could turn tricks, baby.

Girl, I’d let you flush the toilet while I’m in the shower.

Did someone replace the Splenda with cement? Cuz I just got really hard.

I have a box full of baby kittens in my room. Wanna see? …April Fool’s! But now that we’re here…

Are you Fool proof, or can I trick you into buying me a drink?

You make an April Fool out of me every day.

Read More http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2012/04/seriously-guys-here-are-your-h.html#ixzz1rM9Ma4TP

This Just In: Panel Consultation With 17 Ex-Girlfriends Now Required for Current Girlfriend



A law was passed by the Senate today requiring that the single woman sit before a 17-person jury of a man's exes before deciding that she does, in fact, want to date him.

It began as most things do, with one New Yorker's inebriated brunch plans: Under the influence of three beers and a glass of terrible house white, appealing short blonde Lizzie Swantkowski, 29, agreed to break bread with her new boyfriend Mike's ex-girlfriend Mary, whom he met through their mutual work as SAT tutors at Our Fancy Love Academy for Women on the Upper East Side. (Said Swantkowski: "When I woke up, I was so hungover it was disgusting, and then Mary was texting me, and I remembered I'd agreed to hang out with her and I was like 'Oh, balls...'")

However, brunch with Mary turned out to be an illuminating experience. Swantkowski learned that Mike, in lieu of improving their math scores, had cheated on Mary with three of his most in-need tutees at Our Fancy Love Academy for Women. She also learned that when Mary's grandparents passed away due to a freakish funnel cake machine incident, Mike did not attend the funeral because he was in the midst of a game of World Of Warcraft, the addiction to which later cost him his job and most of his interpersonal relationships. Mary and Swantkowski also learned that they share a mutual love of puggles and Hollandaise sauce. Swantkowski left elated.

After this incident, Swantkowski realized that every woman should have the luxury of talking to a possible suitor's ex-girlfriends in order to get the whole story. She wrote an articulate, impassioned letter to Mayor Bloomberg, who then pushed it through to the national level (Bloomberg: "This is mad important, y'all.") Once Speaker of the House John Boehner got a hold of it, he convinced House GOP leader Matt Dean and minority leader Nancy Pelosi to expand the bill to a 17-person jury of ex-girlfriends, a wide enough range of personality types and experiences to give the woman a 360% look at the man she will potentially date. (Says Boehner, "Yes, this is my real name. I hate when people ask me that, g*ddammit.")

Upon beginning to date a man, every single woman must submit a letter of inquiry to Swantkowski and the New York City Health Commissioner, who then work in tandem to find seventeen women from the man's past. Unlike traditional court cases, the panel is held at multiple locations that have been used by Sex & The City or, alternatively, have endless bread for the table. They also declared Swantkowski head justice of the panel, informally known as "the Ex-stapo." Last month, she was knighted by the Queen.

Examples of verdicts:

Not guilty of having a dirty apartment. Nobody's perfect.
Guilty by reason of stilted, formal texting. Three-date probationary period on condition of his learned ability to text-message banter.
Guilty of saying he finished Infinite Jest when he didn't.
Guilty of pretending to read the New Yorker on the train.

The men in question are free to appeal, but the general response has been "Things are kinda crazy this week, can I appeal later?"

The 7 Traits of a Perfect First Date Spot



When your first date doesn’t center around a specific activity — museum exhibit, sporting event, concert — the open-endedness of choosing a place can be overwhelming. How do you know whether you’ve chosen the perfect date spot? Here are 7 qualities to look for when deciding where to take someone out.

1. It’s Somewhere You Like, But Not Your Favorite Spot.
Your favorite spot is sacred, man. Save it for the third or fourth date, but definitely don’t take someone there unless you’ve pre-vetted them to know you’ll have a good time. You don’t want to mar your favorite place with memories of potentially lackluster dates.

2. It’s Someplace You Can Chill for Up to 2 Hours
If your date goes well, you’re going to end up lingering a long time, even if you were just meeting for coffee. The problem with a place like, for example, Starbucks, is that it’s not an ideal place to spend more than, say, 45 minutes. Choose an environment where you can really relax and not even notice how much time has gone by. If the date sucks, you can always leave early.

3. It’s Close to Other Things.
Always have a plan for how to elongate the date if it goes well. For example: if you meet up for coffee, make sure there’s a restaurant nearby in case you want to suggest dinner. If you’ve met up for dinner, choose someplace that’s near a bar where you could go for a nightcap.

4. It’s Not Too Loud.
Nothing kills potential romance like having to scream “What??” to each other, over and over again.

5. It’s Lively Enough.
It can be surprisingly uncomfortable to have a first date at a bar or a restaurant where you’re the only patrons. Having other people around can go a long way in making things feel more natural, and talking about the people around you is always a good talking point if the conversation runs dry.

6. It’s Not Your “Cheers” Bar
f you’re lucky enough to have a bar where everyone truly knows your name (in 2012, no less!), then you should feel pretty badass, but you should not choose this spot for first dates. Way too intimidating! On a first date, you want someplace where the chances of running into someone you know (and awkwardly having to introduce your date as…a friend? And possibly having to small talk with the interloper) are slim. Don’t worry: the Cheers bar will get you major points later on in the relationship.

7. It’s Far Enough Away From Where You Live.
It’s ok to hope that the evening ends up at your place. But you have to at least pretend that you weren’t planning on ending up there all along. Choose somewhere that’s at least a few blocks away — picking someplace across the street is poor form.

6 Crappy Reasons to Move in Together


So you're in love and you want to take it to the next level and move in together. Do it! But make sure it's not for the following six reasons:

1. You'll save money.
It's rough out there for those of us in the 99 percent, but your decision to live together shouldn't be based on cashflow.

2. Your mom is on your case.
Pressure from outside sources is not a reason to break the lease on your house and start splitting utilities. Your parents aren't the ones living your life; you are.

3. Your friends are all married.
Take it from me. More than half of my friends are married or engaged. But living together isn't necessarily the precursor to tying the knot. If you two aren't ready for marriage, moving in isn't going to make him propose.

4. You hate your apartment (or you don't have one).
Again, this rarely works out in your favor. Sure, you'll have a place to rest your head at night, but remember, you'll be waking up to A PERSON each and every morning.

5. It's easier to track his whereabouts.
You should want to live with each other to share in everyday life experiences, not to keep an eye on him. If the only way you can be sure he's not up to no good is to plant yourself at his house and wait for him to come home, then you might as well have a set of binoculars and a nanny cam. (Not advised.)

6. He wants you to.
You're halfway there. When you want to move in with him as badly as he does, then it's time to get packing and submit your change of address form.

The Ultimate Dream Date if You Have a Boatload of Money and a Love of Doom (Or Leonardo DiCaprio)



If you loved the movie Titanic (who didn’t?) and have a ton of extra money (um, who does?), then boy oh boy, do I have the perfect date idea for you. BTW, see what I did there with "boatload"? Ha.

As spotted on Jezebel this weekend, Cullen’s Restaurant in Houston is offering the perfect date package for rich people who love reenacting scenes from a doomed ocean liner: the Titanic Experience. Included in the totally affordable $12,000 package is a 10-course meal of old-timey dishes as served on the Titanic for you and 11 of your closest friends (sounds like a perfect prom plan, kids! Ask Mom and Dad!) and the chance to sample a bottle of Armagnac from the year 1900. The fact that I have no idea what Armagnac is might be a good indicator that I can’t afford this date.

The package was created to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the ship’s sinking on April 15 and coincidentally probably not coincidentally at all, the re-release of the epic film is scheduled for this month as well. You also get to eat at the restaurant’s “Macy’s Table,” a room suspended from the ceiling, which does sound pretty awesome.

All I know is that for that kind of money, I'd prefer that Leonardo DiCaprio himself be waiting for me at the bottom of a grand staircase, with a tuxedo and a smile. Sigh. I’ll never let go, Jack.